Sunday it was H-O-T, hot. Since I
don't like the a/c, we sweated about the house all morning. I
reminded Partner about a meeting I
wanted to attend with her later in the day-- a meeting through the local lesbian mom group. About three minutes into the car ride, I said to Partner, "Oh, yeah, I just brought along directions to the 'trying-to-conceive'
meeting I've been talking about it. They leave right near the church." Here's where the windows went up in the car, and the a/c switched to on-- but somehow, it seemed like it was getting even hotter in the car. Partner turned instantly crabby. What the hell? I mean, I'd been talking about this meeting for a month, and how I want to go connect with other baby-seeking lesbians in Ann Arbor. (Here is where I get really crunchy and lesbian like-- "Oh! A meeting to process and share! I wanna be there!")
Partner said to me, "I'm going to need some time to pay some bills at our house. And I need to go to Aunt's house soon too. She's been expecting me." I could sense resistance, and tried to keep to our plan of being gentle with each other and the world in our highly stressed and unnatural hormonal state. I stayed calm. Spoke in reassuring tones. Told myself that not everything needs to be a fight. Then she added, "Plus, groups aren't really my thing. I hate groups. I hate talking to people about private stuff. I have all the support I need between your family and mine." I nodded, explained my position, tried not to seethe, thought to myself the whole time, this is not about you! I want this!
Finally, as we pulled into the church lot, she said, "No one there needs to know about my fibroids." Fine. No problem. Totally her business and I have always respected that. (We had a long discussion about writing about it on here before I started posting.)
Here's a self-disclosure thing about me-- I can work around emotions. As highly emotional as I am, it's a necessary skill. If I am really upset, I can put it aside for awhile, get on with the task at hand, and then go back to being angry. Partner has a harder time, so the entire time we were in church, I could sense her energy. I tried to be gentle, but I could just feel her disengaging more and more. It was bugging me. It was making it harder for me to put the emotion on hold. She kept poking me with her spiny and sharp energy.
What do I do in this instance? Be calm? Continue to sing? Or flee the sanctuary and go cry in the bathroom? Did you choose the last option? Then you'd be correct. I had a little pity party for myself until I heard the bathroom door open, whereupon I went back to church and gave my partner a lot of teary glances. (Me! Me! Me
!) I barely made it out of church and into the car, whereupon we both let loose. Argument galore. It kept going right into the parking lot of the bookstore where we sat with windows down and stonewalled each other. The emotions, the real heat of the day-- it was all like a convection oven, until finally, in the middle of my ridiculous tears, Partner started to cry too. Hard. In between spurts, she admitted to me her fear. One she's had since I brought up this meeting up. And what a total fuck I am for not even thinking of it.
She said to me, "Don't you think that it might be difficult for me to sit in a room of women who are talking about having babies? That it might not open some horrible emptiness in me? That the fact that I cannot do this and want to
Jesus. Yes. And it hurt me hearing her say that. I felt a gash, a rush of emotion so strong it had to be some sort of endorphin response. You know the feeling, like your extremities go numb? I just thought my poor poor darling oh my god yes of course of course oh shit oh shit oh shit
. Of course it would fucking be awful. Horrible. I nearly catapulted out of the driver's seat to grab her and hold her as we both cried hysterically together. My selfishness made me blind to something that has got to still be a grave struggle. What a shit. (Can I tell you, I am crying here again about this.)
We ended up at the meeting, slightly worse for the wear after our serious tears (and a few Bloody Marys, coz doncha know booze heals). But we went together
. We went with a new understanding of what we both need in this process. I have felt in the past few weeks some little wedge between the two of us, just a small one. I was ready to blame our cat who's been enjoying a daily pee on our marital bed, but clearly that wasn't it. Since Sunday, I feel closer than ever to Partner. I feel like we are someplace really new and honest.
But I hope I never torture her that way again. God help me. It's the worst feeling I have ever had.