Circles

I've been trying to circle my life in lately, but I can't help but wonder when I feel like the highlight of my Sunday is to wear my new workout bra to yoga if I've been circling in too far?

It also strikes me that I keep coming back here and writing, "I promise, I'm going to write more" and I get all sorts of support and then I don't write. In my effort to circle in, I have lost touch with the one thing that I have always done-- I mean literally-- I have been keeping a journal since I was seven years old but in the past few years, the really toughest years ever, I stopped writing. I wonder how I think this serves me?

In approximately a week, Partner (who will remain named such on the blog because she is my partner in raising Cricket), will be moving out and into her own place. A few weeks after that, Cricket will begin to spend 50% of his time with her. Not in my house. Not sleeping in the bedroom next to mine. We've been talking to him about this change, but yesterday we both sat down together with him and told him what was happening. Well, I told him with Partner there. She cried and I kept it together, thanks in large part I believe to the Zoloft I started taking.

Remember that girl from last year's blog? The sad girl watching the moon in the branches? That girl was so sad and lost and she finally took herself to her PCP (a month and a half ago) and said "I think I'm really really depressed and I think I have been since the Cricket was born, and maybe even before and I don't think I can feel like this for much longer." The PCP agreed wholeheartedly and the girl, me, was given a low dose of Zoloft. I hated in some degree that I was taking it, but I can't deny it's helped even me out, and look! I'm here! I'm writing!

That writing has to be important again. A few weeks ago two friends of mine came over impromptu with wine and chocolate (I have some good friends) and we sat and talked into the night sitting at my new kitchen table, candles burning, Cricket sleeping away in the next room. Somehow my writing came up and these astute friends asked when was the last time I wrote something. I felt my gut rise up; how long?

So I need to write. I thought about writing a password protected blog-- an appealing thought-- I thought about starting a new blog. After all, this blog was about my/our journey to have Cricket. But it's about more than that, even though that was our central focus for so long. This blog is just about me, my life. I'm always maybe expectant-- expecting good or bad, worry or joy. It's all there and so hopefully as I move forward into this next phase of life, I will come back here, write more. Write through, write even though... I will probably try to focus on the what is happening instead of the what happened, but that may happen. If you don't like what I am writing, my honest soul-exposing-writing that I hopefully engage in again, just close the page. No one forces you to read. Look for the soft spot of your own soul and think about how it feels to open yourself up and let people probe that spot. I always feel better showing people who I really am. I've circled in just far enough now (I think) to be centered again, and it's time to let the circle spiral out now.

Here I am.