Sunday, January 03, 2010

Sleep Music

Long drawn out fight/conversation this morning, which I have said repeatedly I don't want to do in front of Cricket. It revolves around Partner saying she is leaving in February. I am not sure this gives us enough time to get into therapy and be guided on how to best separate for our Cricket. I might know enough to know it will be better, but I think this whole thing is going to suck for Cricket. For the most part, we have not fought in front of him.

Did I mention I go back to nights tonight?

When Cricket and Partner leave to do shopping, I keen. I outright keen. I can't stand the thought of being away from Cricket, not having him. We have been spending so much time together in the past few months. I need to be sleeping since it's the first night of three, but I can't sleep and I feel somewhat similar to how I did after he was born, so I tell myself to pay attention to the feeling, since this is the second time in life I have felt that way. All I can think now is that it's a feeling related to being forced to be apart from him, like those early days when he had to stay in the NICU. I get out of bed, I walk around the house. I tell myself it's going to be okay. I get back into bed. I try to pray, I talk to a friend, I practice deep breaths.

And then they come home. Part of me thinks, "Great, now I will never get to sleep." Cricket is not exactly the quietest kid on the block, full as he is of exuberance and joy. But the irony? Oh, the irony. It's that that I ended up sleeping full on five minutes after he got back and I heard his voice. He sweet little voice.

Preparing self and readers for sad times to come.


Blogger For the Long Haul said...

If it helps...I have been through it. My partner and I split when my son was 6 months old. And you're right. It's tough. Today is his 4th birthday and partner will be here tonight to celebrate and it's still tough sometimes. But you get through it for your child. I just wanted you to know that I get it. And I'm here to listen and support. You will make it. And you will find happiness on the other side. I promise.

4:04 PM  
Blogger Milenka said...

Many positive thoughts to you all. Things are uncertain here, and I'm terrified. It helps to blog about it because I don't have anyone "in real life" to talk to, but then I just feel embarrassed for m part in it all and my feelings of failure. *sigh* Will be thinking of you, K!

6:34 AM  
Blogger Flmgodog said...

I have been reading since way before Cricket and I continue to check on you frequently. I don't have any really good words for you but know that their are many of us out here thinking about you.

3:40 PM  

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