You Can Call Me Al

On Monday we had a meeting with the electrician about his billing, which we thought was a little high. I have never met this man before, so I introduced myself when it became apparent that Partner was not going to do it. After all, if I am cutting this man checks, it seems like we should know each other. He said to me, "OH, are you the secretary?" Um. No. Partner then jumped it when she saw my reaction. "Oh," she said, "Katie is doing the books now."

"So you're the bookkeeper. " I made a face. He promptly added, "Or something like that." I let it go. I am actually buying into the company so I am actually a part owner, but whatever. I didn't say that. I can let that go; so, yes, you can call me the bookkeeper.

In fact, many times a day or week, I feel like I am called or named to be something I am really not. I don't argue with these definitions from outside because frankly, for the most part I don't mind them. Sometimes these representations of me are not far the from the truth, so if they skim my actual real picture of who I think I am, I guess that's good enough. Most of the time.

But about a month ago I snapped at a very good friend when she called me a "surrogate." Now go look up surrogate in the dictionary. Or look for the synonyms of such a word. Let's take the dictionary to start with. It says "To put in the place of another, especially as a successor; replace." Number one: I am not replacing or successing my partner. I suppose in some ways I am being put in her place, since we did think she was going to be the first birth mother. And I would hazard by carrying her eggs, I am surrogate in that sense. So, technically I am the gestational surrogate. Insurance forms might even decide this is who I am. But look at the thesaurus-- when you look up surrogate it says things like alternate, make-shift, pinch hitter, temporary, servant, proxy, stopgap...

I am not planning on being any of those things. Just to clarify: I am planning on being a mother. One of two, but that's it. A fully-fledged parent. Why is that I feel being labeled a surrogate is to be less-than something else. Because when you think about it, a woman who volunteers to be a surrogate is really giving this incredible gift, a totally generous beautiful thing. So why chaff against this term? And then if you go back and look at that list again, perhaps a parent is all those things at different times in a child's life. So what's the problem?

Both of us have expressed anxiety about people who will want to cut out one of us as the mother. Sometimes this might come from strangers, occasionally it might be friends, or sometimes it might be from family members. This anxiousness-- I wonder if it's indicative of gay and lesbian families in particular. Do fathers in hetero families ever worry about being construed of a "less than" parent? When I was a young kid, my mother worked to support us while my dad was in school. She still talks about the judgment she got from the stay-at-home moms and how she thinks they construed of her as being a less-than mom. (She wasn't!) She hated this at the time, and although she's never said she was anxious about feeling like a less-than parent, I can't help but think she must have been. Anger and fear: aren't they inextricably linked? I think that my hesitance, and well let's face it, anger, about the term surrogate is based in this fear of the "less-than" definition.

I'm the mother, damnit, and that's what I insist on being defined as. I'm not letting this definition skirt the outsides of reality.



Actually, I'm nothing right now other than a (birth-control) pill-popping lesbian who is hoping to be a mother.

Damn it.