Monday, September 17, 2007

Cat Plot

At first I thought the cat was channelling Lassie, banging on the door because something was wrong with the Cricket. I looked over at the sleeping babe, peacefully breathing away, and realized that no, the cat was just being a shithead.

Yes, that's right, the cats have officially been banned from the bedroom. In the beginning, I was terrified of how the cats would respond to Cricket. My mother echoed my concerns, although her concerns were a little more, let's say, histrionic: "You have to make sure the cat won't steal the baby's breath." Yes, because that happens. Can't you see it? The cats huddled underneath the dining room table, plans laid out, and discussing who's going in to steal little Cricket's breath? ("But, you guys," Maya, our bushy black cat, says all breathlessly, "What will we do with the breath once we steal it?") So when Cricket first came home from the hospital, the cats were duly locked out of the room.

They came back soon enough. First of all, if you remember, we slept with Cricket on us for the first few months, and then he progressed to sleeping in the car seat, and finally to the co-sleeper. And really only one cat, Eli, sleeps in the bed with us. Noah is intermittently present, but a strong sneeze scares him into oblivion, so you can guess what baby gurgles do to him, and Maya-- dang, we can't even reliably pet her. Ultimately it seemed like the cats didn't really care about Cricket, and Cricket, honestly, he didn't seem to notice the cats either.

That is, until he did. Now the cats are an endless source of joy to him. A few weeks ago he watched Noah chasing a stuffed mouse and laughed and laughed. Belly laughs. Eli is his new best buddy. He reaches out and grabs huge chunks of fur to the soundtrack of his mommies yelling out "Gentle! Gentle!" He pumps Eli's tail up and down. He tries to chew on his ear. A normal cat might flee from such abuse, but not our Eli. Instead, Eli plops himself down right in front of Cricket seemingly inviting torture. Loving it, you might say.

One a few weeks ago, I got up to use the bathroom. Eli often takes this as a cue for midnight snuggling. "Oh, you're awake? Great. Pet me." He continually came at me and I continually pushed him down. I wasn't in the mood. I drifted off to sleep, thinking I had rebuffed the cat. And then I heard Cricket making what I thought were awake noises, opened my eyes, and there was the damn cat, in the co-sleeper, sitting next to Cricket's head. The action was swift-- pull the cat out of the co-sleeper, check baby for breathing, and a quick smack on the cat's nose. I hissed for Partner to wake up. We shooed all cats out of the room and laid in bed, both of us eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. We were freaked out. I don't think we ever returned to sleep that night. If Eli had chosen to lie down on Cricket, there's no way he could have gotten the cat off him. Eli is, well let's say, persistent. There's no easy swatting him off. And he likes to get up on our chests, face in our face. It's annoying to us, but dangerous for 8 month old babies.

The cats have been locked out since. Eli routinely bangs on the door every night, several times a night. When we go to hiss shut up at him, he flees down the hallway. I feel slightly bad for this cat that was our little lover kitty. He's regulated to the cold dark house outside our room. But I don't feel that bad, thinking about him sitting there, next to Cricket's head in the moon filled bedroom.

So maybe my mom was right. Maybe they are plotting after all...

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Thursday, September 13, 2007

So Much To Do

I'm awake really early today, finding that I can't sleep thinking of all the things I have to do still. There are a lot of things I have to do, and unfortunately updating here has been low on the list. And my body misses it. I've grown used to writing here and when I don't get to do it, I feel the words that are inside me get itchy, which makes me anxious. I need to write here more. But in order to do that, I'll probably need to get up at 2:59 am. I keep getting up earlier and earlier every day, but somehow the rush to get out of the house never gets better.

I already feel behind in school, but I think so does everyone else. I think it's a calculated effort to immerse into the world of nursing, where somehow, I get the feeling, one never feels there is enough time to do anything. Yup. I got that now. Can we go back to life when I felt I had a handle on it? Last night I got into bed and just started to cry. I kept thinking of all the reading I had yet to do, and health histories, and case studies, and Jesus Christ-- I can't even take a reliable blood pressure reading and tomorrow I'll be in the hospital with patients...

Crap. I'm having another anxiety attack and aren't I supposed to be writing about this relieve my anxiety?

My child doesn't seem to care that much about the time period in which I'm missing. I lucked out and got care for him in the same building where I take my classes, which means that on breaks or at lunch, I can run down and nurse him. The staff are so supportive of this, but I'm not sure all of my fellow students quite undertand. After all, the Cricket is eight months, and to some people that seems like extended breastfeeding. It's not at all in my mind. First of all, my kid won't take a bottle. He chews on the nipple like a puppy. Second, it's really his primary nutrition. I don't worry so much about the fact that he doesn't like vegetables because I know that he's nursing still. Yet one fellow student was telling me she was talking about my situation with her partner, and they were talking about whether they'd wean if they were in my situation. There will be no weaning.

That being said, I'm terrified that when I do my L&D rotations, which start the second week of November, that things are going to go south. I do two twelve hour clinical shifts two days in a row. I feel like I'm never go to see Cricket. I will see him, but it will be at bedtime only. I can feel myself starting to cry again about this.

I have to go now and start the craziness of my morning. I miss blogging. I miss checking on everyone everyday, but I'm still here. I still jump around and your blogs, I just don't comment as much. And hopefully I'll be able to update with more soon. (Like the fact that Cricket has three teeth! Teeth!)

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Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Long Day

I fell asleep, albeit momentarily, on my first day of nursing school. I was sitting in the second row. I could myself slipping away, almost like being sucked down a tunnel.

On a related note: why does croup get worse at night?

It's going to be a loooonng year.

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