Thursday, September 13, 2007

So Much To Do

I'm awake really early today, finding that I can't sleep thinking of all the things I have to do still. There are a lot of things I have to do, and unfortunately updating here has been low on the list. And my body misses it. I've grown used to writing here and when I don't get to do it, I feel the words that are inside me get itchy, which makes me anxious. I need to write here more. But in order to do that, I'll probably need to get up at 2:59 am. I keep getting up earlier and earlier every day, but somehow the rush to get out of the house never gets better.

I already feel behind in school, but I think so does everyone else. I think it's a calculated effort to immerse into the world of nursing, where somehow, I get the feeling, one never feels there is enough time to do anything. Yup. I got that now. Can we go back to life when I felt I had a handle on it? Last night I got into bed and just started to cry. I kept thinking of all the reading I had yet to do, and health histories, and case studies, and Jesus Christ-- I can't even take a reliable blood pressure reading and tomorrow I'll be in the hospital with patients...

Crap. I'm having another anxiety attack and aren't I supposed to be writing about this relieve my anxiety?

My child doesn't seem to care that much about the time period in which I'm missing. I lucked out and got care for him in the same building where I take my classes, which means that on breaks or at lunch, I can run down and nurse him. The staff are so supportive of this, but I'm not sure all of my fellow students quite undertand. After all, the Cricket is eight months, and to some people that seems like extended breastfeeding. It's not at all in my mind. First of all, my kid won't take a bottle. He chews on the nipple like a puppy. Second, it's really his primary nutrition. I don't worry so much about the fact that he doesn't like vegetables because I know that he's nursing still. Yet one fellow student was telling me she was talking about my situation with her partner, and they were talking about whether they'd wean if they were in my situation. There will be no weaning.

That being said, I'm terrified that when I do my L&D rotations, which start the second week of November, that things are going to go south. I do two twelve hour clinical shifts two days in a row. I feel like I'm never go to see Cricket. I will see him, but it will be at bedtime only. I can feel myself starting to cry again about this.

I have to go now and start the craziness of my morning. I miss blogging. I miss checking on everyone everyday, but I'm still here. I still jump around and your blogs, I just don't comment as much. And hopefully I'll be able to update with more soon. (Like the fact that Cricket has three teeth! Teeth!)

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Blogger Suz said...

I hope that it gets better soon...I remember the beginning of school as being very hectic and I didn't have a baby!

8:42 AM  
Blogger LilySea said...

Good on you. Don't wean him if you don't have to/he doesn't want to.

I don't think eight months is extended. The bare minimum recommended is six!

Plus Cricket was almost that early, right?

10:01 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

I think everyone feels that way in nursing school, much less with a newborn. My mom broke out in hives before clinicals and I was on the verge of panic attacks constantly.

Congrats on eight months of nursing! That's not extended at all in my book :)

10:52 PM  
Blogger Brooke said...

It's called nursing school, not weaning school. You'll be able to do it.

At least you have access to hospital grade pumps, right?

1:55 PM  
Blogger agoodlistener said...

When I remember all you went through to get to this point, I know you have the resolve and the strength to keep on going.

10:21 PM  
Blogger Nico said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed. I think it's great that you're still nursing. I'm very glad I kept it up until a year.

9:49 PM  
Blogger jeanie said...

I actually think your classmate was very insensitive to (a) discuss your choices and (b) give her judgement.

I breastfed for 2 years. When she was about Cricket's age we had the same balance as you, I think. Mainly breast with learning about the solids.

By 1 it was more the other way around, but the breast was still part of the routine.

I got sacked 1 day before 2. Only you can make the choices for your child - don't let anyone's judgement (mine included) influence what you think is best for you and your baby.

11:46 PM  

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