This Is Not a Fat Post
Last Monday I went for another glucose test. Yes, I have already had a glucose test. Apparently the first one was just to test if I had any diabetes issues before pregnancy, and this one was the standard 26-28 week glucose test. Let's just call the first one "the fat test" and the second one routine. My remonstration with the midwife fell on deaf ears. First of all, I was sure I'd just come back borderline again and have to endure the whole three hour hell again. And she said that was certainly a possibility. I like my midwives, I really do, but I just saw fat judgment all over her when talking with her about the whole thing. She wasn't going to budge, and handed me the orange soda, noting I had to take the test between 26 and 28 weeks.
I took the test one day before I turned 29 weeks, and then promptly began to hold my breath for the phone call telling me the results.
I have a midwife appointment today and I dreamed about it last night. In my dream the receptionist told me that my glucose level after the one hour was 936. First of all, I don't even think this is a possible result, but someone can correct me if I'm wrong. I woke up thinking about it. No one has called me with the glucose result, which probably means it came back normal, but I have small fears about going today and finding out otherwise.
It wouldn't be the end of the world, I know that, but somehow for me, this feels like a huge hurdle to overcome. I know that I came into this pregnancy in less than optimum health and I like to turn on my Catholic guilt gene occasionally (well, okay, all the time) about that. If I have/had/get the GD, it's going to poke me even more. If I get around having the GD, I think it's a huge gift and I'll have to think about that as I try to lose some pounds after the birth of the baby.
And listen, this isn't about feeling fat-- I feel pregnant and finally look that way too. This about feeling more healthy. Last week we were in a mega toy store looking for gifts for some friends. We were also walking around in a daze thinking about life to come. We stopped and looked at bikes and wagons for a long time. We're both on the same page that no kid will have a battery powered car and, wow, haven't wagons changed? I think some pioneers would have been thrilled to have some of the options that you can get on a wagon now, although since they all seem to be cheap plastic crap, maybe not. And then we looked at bikes and I looked up at Partner and said, "Boy, we better lose some weight because, I mean, can you run next to a bike to teach the kid to ride a two wheeler? Because I sure as hell can't." My dad was killer teaching us how to ride bikes-- Every one of us kids learned crazy early to do so, and he was always there sprinting along side us, not only running but yelling out encouragement. Now for my kids, I'd be yelling alright, but it would be along the lines of "Call 911!! My heart! My heart!"
So anyway, notwithstanding dreams about GD and ridiculously high glucose levels, I haven't had a dream about the kid yet. I'm a little edgy about it too-- People keep asking me, "Have you dreamt about the baby yet?" No. No, I haven't. I can't even explain the look of disappointment that flickers over people's faces before they launch into their own dream sequences that they had when pregnant. It seems that everyone who didn't have an ultrasound to tell them the sex had a dream that did.
I did have a dream where I was pushing a stroller, but it was empty. I prefer to not think about that dream, thank you very much. Although the dream did morph slightly, and eventually there was a toddler in the stroller, but that toddler ended up being my brother N. I don't know that this counts as a baby dream, and since for the majority of the dream, the stroller was empty, as I said, I try to not dwell on it too much.
After my gramma died, my mom had several dreams where my gramma came to her. Despite being very close to her, I never got one of those dreams. I was desperate to have one.
Why am I not getting the dreams? I'm consoling myself with thinking that I am actually having the dreams, but that I'm just not remembering them. That somewhere on that dream plane, I have already met the Cricket, and in a sense that is true. I have already met the Cricket-- Cricket likes to kick only when I'm alone or with Partner. Cricket is demonstrating shyness around other uncles and aunts who are just as desperate to feel it move as I am to dream about it.
I guess for the mean time I'm stuck dreaming about dreaming. Or day-dreaming, and maybe that's better because in the day dream, I have a perfect baby that hardly cries, totally behaves, and sleeps through the night. Perhaps I shouldn't be pushing my luck...