Fruitful Attraction
On Saturday, Partner's mother came over. She brought lots of food for us and just hung out a little. We announced to her that we were indeed moving (again), but this time it was going to be across the street. Our initial plan was to rebuild the exact same house we have now, but with a few key improvements. We love our house plan. But it's expensive to heat, so now we're thinking that we'll build a brand new plan. (I have more to say on this topic later.) Partner's mother was thrilled we might not have our two story breakfast nook any more, because that meant we could put curtains up.
We don't have a lot of window coverings. First of all, we have beautiful windows, even if they aren't all painted yet, and the view out the backyard is quite nice. (Or was, and more on that later too.) I don't particularly like the idea of covering up all my windows with blinds. Right now we have wood blinds on the windows of the front guest room, our bathroom, our closet, and two side windows in our bedroom that face the "big street." Oh, yes, and in the back bedroom because we thought our friends Paul and Jacqui would be staying there before our wedding, and that room faces east, and since they were coming from Wales, we thought perhaps it would be nice for them to be able to block out the bright August morning sun.
I'd like some curtains for my dining room, but I want what I want, and it will be expensive. So, we don't have those yet. Other than that, I'm okay with our lack of window treatments. And I'll do it the same in our new house. I'd probably feel differently if our house were in more densely packed neighborhood or if we lived "in town." But we don't.
Partner's mother was worried about people looking in at us. For the most part, at night, the only things looking in at us are deer, fox, a random coyote, feral cat, or skunk. A raccoon. And if anyone is really interested in my blubbery body, well then...
I made a comment to her that sometimes I think one might attract things that one fears. She didn't like this theory.
I don't like it either, but earlier this week I posted about my lack of bleeding to mark the end of IVF # 2, and I guess I attracted it to me. In a big time bad way. I have now broken through my fabulous keeper on two separate unfortunate times: One while arguing with the man building behind us about the trees and scrub (story to follow) and once today while at the dentist, one of my all time favorite places to be anyway. The cramps have been horrendous. But mostly I feel good to get done with this. If my beta is negative tomorrow, I start the pills again on Sunday. And we're starting it all over. Probably sometime in late April or May? Feels very fast to me, but I'm ready.
I have this car starting theory. It's like we're turning over a hard to start car, and this third time, I just think it's going to start and then stay started. I'm trying hard to attract that hope to me now, because I just need to do that. It's going to be our last IVF cycle with Partner's eggs, and I so desperately want to have a little baby that looks like her. She's damn cute. I'm also going to try be open and not worry so much. (Ha! Ha! Ha! If you know me irl, please contain your laughter.) I'm considering being drastic with beta numbers next time too. No more hpt's-- I kicked them out of our house, and they aren't welcome back. I am also considering asking the nurses to not tell me what the beta number is. Just say positive or negative. And then maybe I don't want to know doubling time, but just if it's doing what it's supposed to do. I don't know if I have enough fortitude for that, but it might stop me obsessing so much. And let me be open to possibility more. (Can I sound more new-age mamby pamby?)
Nothing is going to change next cycle with Partner, but we're treating me more aggressively. I'll be taking low dose aspirin and some drug that begins with an L? And a steroid at transfer time. And I think there was something else? I can't totally remember because at the time Dr. BusyBusyBusy was telling us this, I was cramping so badly I was sweating. (What is this L drug? Does anyone know? I know I've got a cadre of experts here, so help me out here, friends!)
And even though cycle #3 is still a month and half or so way, if you want to start praying now or envisioning us surrounded by white light or sending us good vibes or anything, I won't say no. This is now my official end and beginning of begging to the internets.
We don't have a lot of window coverings. First of all, we have beautiful windows, even if they aren't all painted yet, and the view out the backyard is quite nice. (Or was, and more on that later too.) I don't particularly like the idea of covering up all my windows with blinds. Right now we have wood blinds on the windows of the front guest room, our bathroom, our closet, and two side windows in our bedroom that face the "big street." Oh, yes, and in the back bedroom because we thought our friends Paul and Jacqui would be staying there before our wedding, and that room faces east, and since they were coming from Wales, we thought perhaps it would be nice for them to be able to block out the bright August morning sun.
I'd like some curtains for my dining room, but I want what I want, and it will be expensive. So, we don't have those yet. Other than that, I'm okay with our lack of window treatments. And I'll do it the same in our new house. I'd probably feel differently if our house were in more densely packed neighborhood or if we lived "in town." But we don't.
Partner's mother was worried about people looking in at us. For the most part, at night, the only things looking in at us are deer, fox, a random coyote, feral cat, or skunk. A raccoon. And if anyone is really interested in my blubbery body, well then...
I made a comment to her that sometimes I think one might attract things that one fears. She didn't like this theory.
I don't like it either, but earlier this week I posted about my lack of bleeding to mark the end of IVF # 2, and I guess I attracted it to me. In a big time bad way. I have now broken through my fabulous keeper on two separate unfortunate times: One while arguing with the man building behind us about the trees and scrub (story to follow) and once today while at the dentist, one of my all time favorite places to be anyway. The cramps have been horrendous. But mostly I feel good to get done with this. If my beta is negative tomorrow, I start the pills again on Sunday. And we're starting it all over. Probably sometime in late April or May? Feels very fast to me, but I'm ready.
I have this car starting theory. It's like we're turning over a hard to start car, and this third time, I just think it's going to start and then stay started. I'm trying hard to attract that hope to me now, because I just need to do that. It's going to be our last IVF cycle with Partner's eggs, and I so desperately want to have a little baby that looks like her. She's damn cute. I'm also going to try be open and not worry so much. (Ha! Ha! Ha! If you know me irl, please contain your laughter.) I'm considering being drastic with beta numbers next time too. No more hpt's-- I kicked them out of our house, and they aren't welcome back. I am also considering asking the nurses to not tell me what the beta number is. Just say positive or negative. And then maybe I don't want to know doubling time, but just if it's doing what it's supposed to do. I don't know if I have enough fortitude for that, but it might stop me obsessing so much. And let me be open to possibility more. (Can I sound more new-age mamby pamby?)
Nothing is going to change next cycle with Partner, but we're treating me more aggressively. I'll be taking low dose aspirin and some drug that begins with an L? And a steroid at transfer time. And I think there was something else? I can't totally remember because at the time Dr. BusyBusyBusy was telling us this, I was cramping so badly I was sweating. (What is this L drug? Does anyone know? I know I've got a cadre of experts here, so help me out here, friends!)
And even though cycle #3 is still a month and half or so way, if you want to start praying now or envisioning us surrounded by white light or sending us good vibes or anything, I won't say no. This is now my official end and beginning of begging to the internets.
posted by Katie at 7:11 PM
12 Comments:
Sorry the cramping and bleeding were so bad. Miscarriage sucks on so many levels - the final blow for me was that it was physically painful on top of the emotion. Bleah.
I will start sending out hope and love and good vibes by the TON for late April/early May!
As for the L, I'm guessing Lovenox though I think that's interesting if they haven't done any testing that might indicate clotting problems. But then, maybe I am totally wrong in my guess. At any rate, I am glad that Dr. BusyBusyBusy has new ideas and plans. I like plans.
Hang in there!
No! I think that's right, Jen. Lovenox. He said it was a little unorthodox to treat me for clotting problems without doing the tests, but he also said the tests were crazy expensive and it was touch and go if the insurance would cover it.
At least I think that's right.
Hugs for getting through it all--I've been thinking about you and I'm glad you have a plan. For me, at least, a plan was always the best thing to have.
Those clotting tests aren't too accurate anyway, and I think it's good he's not doing the testing. That whole line of treatment is controversial, but I have a GP friend whose friend was considering using it, and I gave her some background research on the whole reproductive immunology thing (which is considered spurious by many in the field). She read what I gave her, said she saw the concern about charging people a lot for these tests and treatments, but that Lovenox, if covered by insurance, wouldn't hurt if taken for a short time. So anyway, thought I'd mention that.
I wish you the best with the next cycle, white light, love, the whole thing. Do what you need to take care of yourself, but know that being certifiably insane is kind of par for the course. I'm not saying you shouldn't do what you can to manage the insanity, but don't beat yourself up about it. It's not you. It's the situation. Many smart, emotionally balanced, sensible women have gone before and many will go after. Some do a better job of hiding it than others, but I'm pretty convinced we all spend 2-6 weeks (longer if pg) completely batty. Here's hoping you buck the trend.
Katie -
Your strength and determination amaze me. One IVF cycle knocked me to my knees. I am thinking big puffy clouds of white light in your direction and praying for a beta of 0 so you can kick it into gear.
The L drug - Lovenox and low dose asprin - Doctor Short but Sweet perscribed it for Pili last FET - same logic - tests are expensive and unreliable, might as well try it. He didn't offer them yet this time around, but I'm going to ask when we go in on Monday for the transfer. The lovenox does sting nastily, so be prepared!
Sending much hope and many hugs,
art-sweet
Delurking to say, I am so happy that you have a "plan". I think it is a great plan.
Sometimes, too much information is as bad as not enough.
Good Luck!
Debbie
Katie, I cannot think of anything other than Lovenox. Looks like he is throwing everything at you, hmm?
I sure hope 3rd time is a charm for you guys. You made it this time but just not enough. Next one's a keeper.
Don't worry, I will keep you occupied over the next wee while as you talk me down from the roof in a hormone-raddled state of insanity!
Good Luck Katie -
As for people looking in - my wife thinks that people are always looking in (probably because she's always looking in other peoples open windows.) I don't. So I walk around naked a lot. I have probably flashed the whole neighborhood. None of the neighbors have said anything...yet.
again, good luck. thoughts with you.
I took Lovenox throughout all three of my pregnancies and "stings nastily" is an understatement. Baby No. 3 is three months old and I still have bruises on my legs. It works wonders, though. Kept me from getting (more) clots. I suggest injecting in the fatty part of your tush, but avoid where you sit because it will definitely leave a lump. I also injected in my inner thighs. My SIL is going through IVF and she's being put on Heparin (which I also took) for some reason...something about killer cells.
Anyway. I've been following your blog and happy to hear you have a good attitude and outlook. :-)
Sending every postive vibe I have for you.
Praying and hoping for you until the next cycle. I am glad you have pulled yourself up by the bra straps, and you and Partner have a plan and are ready to go. Good luck and God Bless.
Katie I must say I am sitting here in awe of your courage and determination. I didn't have it, and admire the hell out of you that you DO. :) I started praying months ago and won't quit until the mission is accomplished. :)
We have caught people looking at us wandering around naked in our house soooooo many times, yet somehow we still do it! Perhaps we should work on our shyness for a while ;-)
I'd send you some funky homemade cloth pads to use as Keeper back-up, but you'll probably be pregnant next month and not need them. But if you want some anyway let me know - I'm doing some super-absorbant ones for post-natal bleeding. I'm an eternal optimist!!! Go Katie Go! Is it a good omen that Lovenox sounds like a really fun and positive drug, kind of like Ecstasy?
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