You're Not Welcome 'Round Here

Dear Pee Sticks,

I can remember when we first met. Both Partner and I thought you were so cool, and there in the aisles of Costco, we asked you to come home with us. In private, we dicussed if you weren't maybe too much, you know-- too fast. But ultimately, we trusted you. We were really impressed by your modern style with the digital read window that would announce in no uncertain terms "pregnant" or "not pregnant." You were nothing like the primitive version Katie used once in the bathroom of a McDonalds. We were impressed by your candor. Your lack of sentimentality. It seemed like it was going to be a good fit.

We ignored you for a long time this cycle, and maybe that made you mad or something. I don't know, but as you know, we finally came to the decision that we couldn't ignore you any more. We decided it was time to give you what you love best: urine. And what did you do to repay us? It wasn't very nice, and I am pretty sure that my real friends will agree with me. You did wait a little longer than last time we had you over to give us the news, and I have to tell you truthfully, that was rude. I mean, last time, you just said it pretty quickly and got it out of the way, but this time you made us wait almost the full three minutes, blinking away at us the whole time, just like the little flirt that you are. And then you just said it. Not Pregnant. I mean, come on, you couldn't have let us down more easily? Said something like, "Not enough hCG detected." That way at least our hearts wouldn't have been ripped out. Or better yet: "I'm sorry. I know how much you wanted this." That would have been the polite option. I know we said we initially valued you for your candor, but I've come reevaluate that and I've decided you should think about new ways to communicate, something more kind and gentle. Although I suppose there are some who appreciate your definitiveness, but we're just not "those people."

So I don't really apologize for tearing you apart. And of course, that made us doubt you more, because even though you said "not pregnant" there were two lines showing! Okay, okay-- one was faint, but still. Maybe you should have said, "I think you're not pregnant." So you can't blame us for going out and inviting your cousins in. Sure, they aren't as sophisticated and just show primitive little lines instead of directly blurting out the news, but they do leave a comfortable space to continue the conversation. Whereas, you, you're just so blunt it shuts down all avenues of discussion.

Last night we did talk to your cousin, who claimed to be a "first responder," which we agreed was a good thing. But your cousin was a miserable as you. Even more miserable with one bloody pink line and nothing even faint to help us out. Whereupon we ended up in tears, at one point on the floor where I had to hold my crying Partner. I hope you're happy, pee stick. I hope you got what you want. And no, you absolutely cannot have any of our floor cake.

But Partner and I, we're good liberals and we believe in giving people second chances, so that's what we did with you and your cousin this morning at the crack of dawn. It was a new day, so to speak, and perhaps we thought, you might be more inclined to be agreeable. But you weren't. Neither of you. And now we just want you out. Out of our house and lives, you miserable urine soaked assholes. And don't come back. I'd wish you good luck in the future, but frankly, I can't even muster up that much goodwill toward you, so be on your way. We'll try to forget this whole sorry incident, but until then, we're through.

Signed,
Katie & Partner