Monday, February 20, 2006

You're Not Welcome 'Round Here

Dear Pee Sticks,

I can remember when we first met. Both Partner and I thought you were so cool, and there in the aisles of Costco, we asked you to come home with us. In private, we dicussed if you weren't maybe too much, you know-- too fast. But ultimately, we trusted you. We were really impressed by your modern style with the digital read window that would announce in no uncertain terms "pregnant" or "not pregnant." You were nothing like the primitive version Katie used once in the bathroom of a McDonalds. We were impressed by your candor. Your lack of sentimentality. It seemed like it was going to be a good fit.

We ignored you for a long time this cycle, and maybe that made you mad or something. I don't know, but as you know, we finally came to the decision that we couldn't ignore you any more. We decided it was time to give you what you love best: urine. And what did you do to repay us? It wasn't very nice, and I am pretty sure that my real friends will agree with me. You did wait a little longer than last time we had you over to give us the news, and I have to tell you truthfully, that was rude. I mean, last time, you just said it pretty quickly and got it out of the way, but this time you made us wait almost the full three minutes, blinking away at us the whole time, just like the little flirt that you are. And then you just said it. Not Pregnant. I mean, come on, you couldn't have let us down more easily? Said something like, "Not enough hCG detected." That way at least our hearts wouldn't have been ripped out. Or better yet: "I'm sorry. I know how much you wanted this." That would have been the polite option. I know we said we initially valued you for your candor, but I've come reevaluate that and I've decided you should think about new ways to communicate, something more kind and gentle. Although I suppose there are some who appreciate your definitiveness, but we're just not "those people."

So I don't really apologize for tearing you apart. And of course, that made us doubt you more, because even though you said "not pregnant" there were two lines showing! Okay, okay-- one was faint, but still. Maybe you should have said, "I think you're not pregnant." So you can't blame us for going out and inviting your cousins in. Sure, they aren't as sophisticated and just show primitive little lines instead of directly blurting out the news, but they do leave a comfortable space to continue the conversation. Whereas, you, you're just so blunt it shuts down all avenues of discussion.

Last night we did talk to your cousin, who claimed to be a "first responder," which we agreed was a good thing. But your cousin was a miserable as you. Even more miserable with one bloody pink line and nothing even faint to help us out. Whereupon we ended up in tears, at one point on the floor where I had to hold my crying Partner. I hope you're happy, pee stick. I hope you got what you want. And no, you absolutely cannot have any of our floor cake.

But Partner and I, we're good liberals and we believe in giving people second chances, so that's what we did with you and your cousin this morning at the crack of dawn. It was a new day, so to speak, and perhaps we thought, you might be more inclined to be agreeable. But you weren't. Neither of you. And now we just want you out. Out of our house and lives, you miserable urine soaked assholes. And don't come back. I'd wish you good luck in the future, but frankly, I can't even muster up that much goodwill toward you, so be on your way. We'll try to forget this whole sorry incident, but until then, we're through.

Katie & Partner


Blogger TheKing said...


4:39 PM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Aaaw, sweetie. You know that I am still going to tell you that it is too early, right?? Hang in there. Keep thinking of Mrs Slocombe.

4:44 PM  
Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

Pamps-- Thank you. You're a rock!

Chris Garcia-- You cut me to the quick! Lezbo, indeed!

4:47 PM  
Anonymous Shy Lurker said...

Katie, I'm so, so sorry.

4:48 PM  
Blogger chris said...

What a minute, you're a lezbo? Well then who is this partner fellow? I had no idea. hahahahahaha.

Just kidding, of course. Damn people.

Anywho, I'm sorry. Damn pee sticks. They're why the three times and you're out rule was invented.

Holding out hope . . . .

Take care.

5:05 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

I refuse to extend any apologies, because it is way too early!!! The first time I was pg I tested w/ the pee stick, and I got a line so faint I thought it meant negative. And that was when I was nearly 6 weeks! It's only been a week and a day after the transfer, so don't give up hope (bitch that she is). Hang in there, step away from the peesticks and wait until the beta, which should be...When? Around the 26th? Keep us posted! You'll be in my very supportive thoughts. xoxoxoxo

5:34 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

I'm so sorry Katie. If I had mafia connections, I'd send them to "take care" of those damned pee sticks.

6:02 PM  
Blogger art-sweet said...

it's really too bad plastic smells so bad when you set it on fire...

hoping against all odds for you Katie

6:47 PM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

Just a few quick comments, Katie...

It's too early and, you know all in all, it really is too soon, and don't forget it's too early, but then... you know... it's also too soon.

As for fuckface homophobe??? To you I say...

Hetero!! (Oh, wait... I'm one of those, too. Damn labels...)

I forgot to mention... it's way too early.

6:59 PM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

Oh... and I couldn't resist leaving a comment for he of the pithy remarks over on his three-testicle blog (???)... he probably won't even understand what I'm saying.

7:15 PM  
Blogger Soul Searching said...

Fuck fuck fuck. My heart goes out to you both, but I am believing all of your other commenters right now that it's just too early.

Melt the fuckers! That will teach them!

9:14 PM  
Blogger PortLairge said...

Oh Katie
I think it's too early. When is your beta?
Too cheer yourself up you need to go to that pricks blog and check out anonymous bloggers comment. Hilarious!
I'm thinking of you and Partner. I'm still hoping for a positive outcome.

9:22 PM  
Blogger Gabrielle said...

I'm so sorry - heartbroken for you both. But I too am one of the ones who only got a very faint positive after the beta and not before, so hang in there and don't lose all hope. Big hugs. M

9:28 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Sorry you had such a rough run in with the stupid sticks. I really, really hate those dumb digital ones. Who the hell wants to see it written out like that?

I have everything crossed for the next test which won't be for a FEW DAYS, right? :)

9:38 PM  
Blogger frog said...

Fucking hell.

9:42 PM  
Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

You guys are all so sweet, but my beta is this morning. We'll see. Even though statistically that many pee sticks being wrong is improbable, I've been praying my little heart out. We'll see.

7:54 AM  
Anonymous Lynnette said...

I'm holding out hope that this morning brings happier news...Hugs either way, Katie and Partner.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Estelle said...

Still hoping for good news for you. Your letter would have been quite amusing if it wasn't so sad.
Fingers crossed for high numbers!

9:32 AM  
Anonymous MFA Mama said...

God dammit, Katie. I'm so sorry I don't even know how to say it; I wanted this SO BADLY for you and Partner, and you guys deserve it SO MUCH. If there is anything I can do, not that there is, but it goes without saying that if you want to email me I'll say clumsy and borderline-offensive sympathetic things. If I lived closer to you and Partner I'd come bring you floor cake of the highest order--let me know if a recipe for caramel icing that is OUT OF THIS WORLD would help. It has tons of butter, which I have found helps lubricate the bitterness of disappointment on the way down (sometimes). I'm soooooo sorry. I think you are like me: funnier when you're really really hurting, and this post was hilarious (or, you know, would have been...) and as soon as I saw that you were doing a schtick on sticks I thought "oh, hell." Oh, Katie. I won't tell you that things happen for a reason, but I will say that when this is all a rueful memory along the lines of "remember when we spent all that money to get our baby" you will look at the child you end up with and feel that all of this was worth it, and be grateful that you didn't end up with any other child, even if it would have been sooner, because you'll be so in love. Be kind to each other, and know that strangers are just sick over what you are having to go through right now.

10:06 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

Katie, I'm so anxious for you! Jeez, it's like going through it all over again. I am so hoping and praying your beta will be positive. I really want this for you and Partner, you guys will be such good parents. Please update when you can, and I'll keep praying for good news. All my best thoughts are with you three : )

11:46 AM  
Blogger ~cj~ said...

Katie - The post was so well written and creative. I wish that EPT test shouted out "Your PREGNANT!!" and strobe lights and confetti fell from the cieling for you and partner. My EPT experiance was so different than yours.... I am starting to think that there are some boxes, that some of us buy of those things that are just.... evil. I'm thinking of you Katie - take care of yourself, and shun that stick!

1:31 PM  
Anonymous mamacate said...

I'm hoping it was too early. I never know which is better, so pick one:

a) HPTs always worked for me and they work for most people. That is, 8+days past transfer. However, I have a friend who had nothing but negative HPTs. After IVF #4, she peed on one and got a BFN, then went in for the blood test and prepared for bad news. Low positive beta. Next thing you know, the things shooting through the roof and her twin boys will turn 5 this summer. It's not over till the nurse calls you on the phone. Burn those things in a roaring pyre and wait for the blood test.

b) It f*cking sucks and it's completely unfair and I am SO sorry. I have been there and survived (and completed my family eventually too, after 4 fresh (plus one unsuccessful frozen) IVF attempts. But not without a lot of tears. Take very good care of yourself, don't try to be strong (unless you know that approach works for you) and don't let all the "you can try again" and "why don't you just adopt" crap in for at least a few days. Sometimes it feels like it will never happen, but you will feel okay again, and you will be able to find hope again. It gets harder every time, but you will come back. Be gentle with yourself.

Pick the response that fits where you think things really are, and be gentle with yourself. Hang in there.

1:43 PM  
Blogger Nico said...

Praying right along with you. Which is not something that I do very often. I imagine you'll be getting a call soon? Praying that it's going to be the call saying that the pee sticks were all WRONG!

3:45 PM  
Blogger Trista said...

I'm still holding out hope for you. I refuse to believe until there's red.

3:52 PM  
Blogger NMsurrogate said...

and, wow, can I just say that ChrisGarcia is a pedantic narcissist! He probably has to look those words up.

4:43 PM  

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