Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Fat Lady Could Be Warming Up

Well, no news is good news, right?

[silence]

RIGHT?

Okay-- Here's what happened yesterday. When I woke up, I felt like I was ready to go to a funeral. It's not like I felt it right away, but I knew there was something unpleasant to be done, and then all of sudden I remembered. I cried a little on the way to work. I checked that certain IVF bulletin board all day and tried to reassure myself with the stories from other women about beta numbers that didn't properly double but still resulted in healthy pregnancies and happy babies. I chanted "vanishing twin" to myself like a little calming mantra.

At the office, Dr. BusyBusyBusy gave us his sympathetic face as we rounded the corner. I said I was trying to not give up too much hope yet, and he started to talk, and I interrupted him. "I know it's probably stupid, but it's what I am doing." To his credit, he left it.

Up on the table. You know the drill. Dr. BBB told us that he was mainly checking for an ectopic, but admitted he probably wouldn't be able to see it unless it was really big. And he fished around and couldn't see a thing. My uterus is very thick and plush, and really, I have to say, looks very lovely on screen and I can't imagine any little rice that wouldn't be happy to have such a cozy home for nine months. But taste is personal, I guess.

I told Dr. BBB about the many things I have read, and he then appraised me of the opinion that I read too much. I immediately admonished him. "Dr. BBB," I said, my legs up in the air, "you can never read too much." And he got serious and said, "Actually, you are right about that." (Have I told you about his adorable accent? I so wish you could hear it.)

Partner asked him what we'd do if we saw an ectopic, and he said we'd all hold hands and cry a little. Man. I know we're having a hard time around here, but I just like him so much. I believe he really would hold our hands and cry.

Nothing of note on the ultrasound then. I asked about vanishing twin, and he said there was a chance of that. (Guess what I've seized on?) And that there were no answers. I have another blood test tomorrow morning that he things will give us the answer. Either it will go up, dramatically, stay the same, or go down. If it's either two of the latters, I'll stop taking my drugs. I can't even go on with the "and" that should follow that sentence. He also told me all the signs of an ectopic and I should be watching for them.

We should be realistic, he said, but to wait for Thursday. Which is tomorrow. And I am anxious about its arrival and dreading it concurrently. Just another example of how fucked up IVF makes your emotional life. I'm trying to keep perspective in check, but I also think that a person's life is just what it is as he or she is experiencing it. It's no use trying to "console" oneself that there are other people who have it worse. Of course there are. But it's still important that I note to myself all the really positive good things in my life too, and the primary one of those is my partner. We've both agreed that unless you have a really understanding significant other to go through this with, it would be so much worse than it is already. She keeps feeling horrible because this is my body this is happening (or not happening) in. I keep feeling awful because it's her little egg. What this does, ultimately, is create quite a bit of empathy for each other. So while this all feels messy and drawn out and something like the tenth circle of hell (Dante, hello? You missed the IVF circle?), I can be grateful forever for my girl.

And all the love. And all the love.

19 Comments:

Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Oh my dear Katie and partner, this is so, so hard. I am still thinking rising beta vibes for you and I am hoping so much that you get your miracle tomorrow. Keep holding onto all that love.

6:38 PM  
Blogger Soul Searching said...

I think I'm going to have to read up on all this terminlogy I don't understand.

Sweetie (look what the fucking south did to me!), I'm still holding on to hope for you two! Nobody wants to hear all that "what's meant to be" crap, but I believe in it, so I still kinda think it.

Best of luck tomorrow morning. By now you should know that I'll be thinking about both of you without me even saying it.

6:57 PM  
Blogger Trista said...

Katie (and Partner)

I don't have anything wise to say. So I'm just here to tell you that I'm thinking warm, fluffy, cottony thoughts at you and sticky, growing, determined thoughts at the little grain of rice that is still inside you.

I'll be thinking of you all tonight.

Much love

7:00 PM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

I'm so thankful you have such incredible love and support for eachother through all of this...

I'm still keeping the faith for you, my friend.

7:01 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

I am so glad you guys have each other, which is truly a gift in and of itself.

I'm so hoping for you both. I hate IVF, and all the frickin hurdles that go along with it. The worrying never ends. I'd really be so happy for you all if the little rice sticks, gets comfy and stays put for a good nice months. I hope this is your time. I hope this is your little wee one. I hope, hope, hope.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Much love to you three.

7:20 PM  
Blogger DeadBug said...

Thinking of you. So glad I found your blog, and so sorry this is such a scary time for you both.

--Bugs

8:27 PM  
Blogger amyesq said...

Still keeping the faith here, my friend.

9:08 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Holding you, Partner, the rice, and a whole lotta hope in my heart tonight.

9:09 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Out of lurking to wish you well, thinking of you, partner and the rice during this emotional time. It sucks that anyone has to go through this kind of turmoil.

10:41 PM  
Anonymous cj said...

Katie... instead of looking at this as a cicrle of hell, which, really I can see it very clearly as such... maybe you should look at it as the joining of a very secret and honorable society.

I don't think that what you and your partner are going through is any less of a lost pregnancy as any others. When I lost mine my OB gave me a book called "Shattered Dreams" and I remember looking at it and thinking "WTF this looks like happy reading." I put it in a drawer with my 20 week ultrasound that had no heartbeats.... It wasn't until months later did someone say something to me that was completely meaningful. I was greeted with either complete silence or just an umcomfortable obligatory 'are you ok?'.... but one day someone said something to me that changed my whole outlook on things.

the woman happened to be Thea's doctor. She asked me if there were any stressful changes in family life and I said "Yes." and politely explained. Dr. Kelley put the chart down on the table and turned to me and said "That happened to me too. It was the most awful hurt I'd ever been through." She went on to say it was a hurt like no other, and only those that could truly understand were those that had lost pregnancies too. I nodded my head ... and felt it to be so true in my heart.

The fat lady hasn't sung yet Katie, and I hope that miserable obese woman gets a case of larengitus like no other. But if she does sing... Remember this: You and partner have given it your all. It is a pain like no other. You will get through it, you are never alone.... and you will have a child someday, know that to be true. Its all a part of this secret society of motherhood.

11:24 PM  
Blogger PortLairge said...

Still thinking of you and lighting candles over here that there will be a good outcome tomorrow. Come on little Ricey, you can do it.

11:47 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Katie I'm sorry you're going through this nth circle of hell. I wish we could magic it away. Hoping that today gives you fantastic, doubling numbers.

5:11 AM  
Anonymous pixi said...

My heart is with you guys.

9:57 AM  
Blogger Boliath said...

I've just found your blog through barefoot, I've been there too praying for numbers and bloodtests and grieveing the loss in the end, I hope that's not the ending you get. Hoping for good news for you and partner.

10:28 AM  
Anonymous rachel y said...

Katie and Partner,

No words of assvice or wisdom, just thinking of you and holding out some hope.

11:18 AM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

Thinking of you *hugs*

12:03 PM  
Anonymous Erin said...

Hoping for the very best for you and Partner.

1:15 PM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

Just me checking in again...

6:20 PM  
Blogger Hoping said...

Have been clicking all day for an update. Sending you good and loving vibes.

6:40 PM  

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