Saturday, February 25, 2006

Reviewing and Updating

On Monday morning this week, I took the last two of the four home pregnancy tests. As you know, they were both negative. I took them at about 6:30 am and after that I went back to bed and prayed every prayer I know that the tests were wrong. I prayed to all those saints listed below, and more. When I was in the shower, I talked to my gramma, who must have had problems herself with fertility. I knew she'd understand where I was coming from with my ever-so desperate pleas to God. I was still praying about everything when I was pretty sure it was a done deal and Partner had even done her mourning already on Sunday night. On Monday afternoon I called my mom to tell her she might stop hoping because I had done four hpts that were all negative. She sounded sad. We didn't talk long after that. I hung up the phone and looked at my feet on the bed. The house seemed a little blank. We were more sure this time than the last time that it had worked. To feel like it hadn't? Well, I thought, at least by tomorrow I'll be able to have a manhattan to wash all the sorrow away.

And then Tuesday! Tuesday we told the nurse about our four negative hpts and she pooh-poohed us. "I had a woman in her yesterday," she said, "who took an hpt and it was negative and then her beta came in at 86." In my head I thought, "Yeah, but she only took one. We took four. What are the odds?" Slim, sure, but perhaps we should have bought the ticket to the Big Game on Tuesday, because, as you know again, that beta was postive! They wanted around 50, and I was close! So close! It felt scary to be under the average, and it felt low, but it was freaking positive. Cloud nine reigns for about five minutes before more worry sets in. What will Thursday's numbers look like?

And Thursday's numbers prompted the "cautious optimism." And more fear. Why aren't the numbers doubling? I go to the bulletin boards and post my question. I read the thread about low betas rebounding. But most of the women I read about have numbers that are easily doubling. One person even asks if her first beta of 300 and something is too low. Read this board makes me feel even worse, and I think about chemical pregnancies or ectopic pregnancies with more frequency.

Luckily, I was diverted by studing for RFC 101 which had a big old test today. We woke up, went to the RE office, got my blood out and then studied like mad dogs, took the test and then we were almost home before the voice mail came in from the nurse with the new number.

In my dreams, that number jumped to over 200. Or 300. I thought this kid (or "the rice" as we've been calling it lately, figuring that's about how big it is) is a slow started. I told myself I had to let go and let the rice do what it was going to do because there was nothing I could do to control it. But really, this was the first expectation I put on the kid, and I can't help feeling let down. And I think I have to work on that.

Today's number: 136.

And Partner and I are in totally different places. She wants to be excited until it's time to not be excited any more. Whereas I am stalling out again. Not being exactly depressed, but not exactly being excited anymore. I worried as all get out, but no one at the RE office is saying anything negative yet. But really, I'm starting to feel depressed. It's mixed up with hope, so my whole body feels totally out of whack. This is not a normal state of mind.

More blood tests on Monday. Let's hope the rice gets it together by then.

23 Comments:

Blogger chris said...

Slightly ambiguous betas suck major ass. However, this is not a bad thing. Remember, they only want doubling every 72 hours. And even then, there are variations. Don't worry. Okay, I know you can't. But think of it as good training. You two mommies are going to worry for 9 months. And then, for the rest of your lives. It's part of the job.

Hang in there, you two.

7:12 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

I agree. 72 hours is the goal. Go over and peruse the doubling times (and use the doubling time calculator) over at betabase.info. They have great stats, and while you're a little out of the mean, you've got lots of company. Hugs.

7:35 PM  
Anonymous MFA Mama said...

Oh, boy. You really can't catch a break in the worry department. I'm so sorry you're having to live with uncertainty. And now so am I :-( Sent you an email; I am sending weird presents to people lately...

7:58 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

Okay, still hoping. It's going up, that's got to be good. I am so hoping for you and partner. Hang in there, and be well. I'm sending you all my best warm, fuzzy, growing thought. xoxoxoxo

8:27 PM  
Anonymous Robin said...

I've been a little out of touch for a week or two. This is so exciting! Fingers crossed! xoxoxoxox

10:35 PM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Hang in there, Katie. It is all such a mindfuck and you are right in that there is nothing you can do. I am hoping that little bit of rice is just taking some time to get properly settled in. Thinking of you and Partner, sweetie.

6:18 AM  
Blogger Emmakirst said...

Praying that the numbers are higher tomorrow for you and you and partner can start to enjoy the pregnancy! Take care.

7:36 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Mate, it's still going up! How cool is that? I hope little rice dazzles you with Monday's test.

9:38 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

You can't win. If you didn't have the information, you'd be going nuts. But having the information, you're going nuts. The really crazy-making bit is that it still doesn't tell you what you REALLY want to know and all you can do is wait.

I will keep you, Partner, and the rice in my thoughts today and tomorrow and hope for continued, and faster, rising of the beta.

10:00 AM  
Anonymous Lynnette said...

Pollyanna, here. I still stand by my earlier comment, that 66% is fine, as long as its going up. You're just 3 points under that. Having had a chemical myself, I know that betas like this, are hard to deal with. But I have to keep holding out hope for that little grain of rice. Hugs to you and Partner. Hang in there...

1:50 PM  
Blogger amyesq said...

Nothing to say except that I am praying hard for you, partner and LR (Little Rice).

2:45 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

I am so hoping and praying that Mondays number shoot up and give you some sense this that might work. I have been in beta hell and it sucks. Hang in there.

3:47 PM  
Anonymous Mary said...

Hey :)

I just wanted to let you know that I'll be reading your blog, and wanted to invite you over to mine!

Good luck, hon - our thoughts are with you! May you be pregnant!

3:51 PM  
Blogger PortLairge said...

Oh Katie,
Rice must be a late implanter. I'm hoping and praying over here.I kind of get the feeling it's going to be all right and when the time comes you'll be three weeks over due because little ricey likes to take his/her time. That's my hope for you and partner.

8:44 PM  
Blogger LilySea said...

Here's to sticky rice.

10:16 PM  
Anonymous cj said...

I'm sending you as much love and well wishes as I can. I'm thinking of you!

12:46 AM  
Blogger Soul Searching said...

Good luck today!

7:19 AM  
Blogger Nico said...

ARgh! Mindfuck, indeed. Hopefully today's test will lay this issue to rest, and show that the rice is indeed sticky!!!

9:25 AM  
Blogger Emma B. said...

I hate that this is turning out to be such a mindfuck. Thinking about you and Partner, and hoping it all turns out OK.

9:45 AM  
Blogger frog said...

GO RICE!

10:22 AM  
Anonymous pixi said...

I'm praying that you get good news today. Thinking of you constantly.

12:13 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Click. Click. Click....

Hoping, praying, clicking for you three!

12:44 PM  
Blogger Trista said...

Hoping for good news for you, Partner, and the rice today...

2:33 PM  

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