Reviewing and Updating

On Monday morning this week, I took the last two of the four home pregnancy tests. As you know, they were both negative. I took them at about 6:30 am and after that I went back to bed and prayed every prayer I know that the tests were wrong. I prayed to all those saints listed below, and more. When I was in the shower, I talked to my gramma, who must have had problems herself with fertility. I knew she'd understand where I was coming from with my ever-so desperate pleas to God. I was still praying about everything when I was pretty sure it was a done deal and Partner had even done her mourning already on Sunday night. On Monday afternoon I called my mom to tell her she might stop hoping because I had done four hpts that were all negative. She sounded sad. We didn't talk long after that. I hung up the phone and looked at my feet on the bed. The house seemed a little blank. We were more sure this time than the last time that it had worked. To feel like it hadn't? Well, I thought, at least by tomorrow I'll be able to have a manhattan to wash all the sorrow away.

And then Tuesday! Tuesday we told the nurse about our four negative hpts and she pooh-poohed us. "I had a woman in her yesterday," she said, "who took an hpt and it was negative and then her beta came in at 86." In my head I thought, "Yeah, but she only took one. We took four. What are the odds?" Slim, sure, but perhaps we should have bought the ticket to the Big Game on Tuesday, because, as you know again, that beta was postive! They wanted around 50, and I was close! So close! It felt scary to be under the average, and it felt low, but it was freaking positive. Cloud nine reigns for about five minutes before more worry sets in. What will Thursday's numbers look like?

And Thursday's numbers prompted the "cautious optimism." And more fear. Why aren't the numbers doubling? I go to the bulletin boards and post my question. I read the thread about low betas rebounding. But most of the women I read about have numbers that are easily doubling. One person even asks if her first beta of 300 and something is too low. Read this board makes me feel even worse, and I think about chemical pregnancies or ectopic pregnancies with more frequency.

Luckily, I was diverted by studing for RFC 101 which had a big old test today. We woke up, went to the RE office, got my blood out and then studied like mad dogs, took the test and then we were almost home before the voice mail came in from the nurse with the new number.

In my dreams, that number jumped to over 200. Or 300. I thought this kid (or "the rice" as we've been calling it lately, figuring that's about how big it is) is a slow started. I told myself I had to let go and let the rice do what it was going to do because there was nothing I could do to control it. But really, this was the first expectation I put on the kid, and I can't help feeling let down. And I think I have to work on that.

Today's number: 136.

And Partner and I are in totally different places. She wants to be excited until it's time to not be excited any more. Whereas I am stalling out again. Not being exactly depressed, but not exactly being excited anymore. I worried as all get out, but no one at the RE office is saying anything negative yet. But really, I'm starting to feel depressed. It's mixed up with hope, so my whole body feels totally out of whack. This is not a normal state of mind.

More blood tests on Monday. Let's hope the rice gets it together by then.