Monday, February 27, 2006

Until the Fat Lady Sings?

My mom. I like her a lot even though we can still have our moments. She's this fantastic artist, and it's something she only started doing a few years ago. In high school she had an art teacher who told her she had no talent, so she stopped all her dreams. (I, too, had a teacher like this, who told me I couldn't write. What is wrong with teachers who say things like that?) When my youngest brother was a senior in high school, she started taking art classes again. And now-- wow-- she's very good. And lately she started taking a poetry class with a very good friend of mine. And not only has she blown me away with her painting, but her poetry is way above par too.

I called her today and she said, "Well, first my advice was that you go home and have a glass of wine, but that's probably not a good idea. So now my advice is that you wait until tomorrow to get upset, because if you are still pregnant, having a breakdown will not be good for you."

It's good advice, n'est pas?

This is what happened: All day I felt positive. I thought, "This little rice is going to jump out of its lethargy today." I taught my class, sung Louis Prima songs at the top of my lungs on the commute home ("I eat antipasto twice just because she is so nice, Angelina!") I went to the pharmacy to refill my estrace prescription. I talked to the Little Rice all day in my head, urging it away. And then my phone rang.

It was the new nurse at Dr. BusyBusyBusy's. She's twelve. I'm not kidding you. She gave me my new number with no intonation at all. I like it better when the older nurses call and cry along with you. It might not be professional, but it's caring. Dr. BBB wants to see me tomorrow, and I'm to continue taking all medicines. Until he talks to me. Make of that what you will. I go back and forth about it.

My new number is 153 or 156-- I can't remember because the haze descended on me that fast. All I could do was think about how I had to get out of the pharmacy. Why were they taking so long with a prescription I wasn't even going to need any more? Could they just HURRY THE FUCK UP? And then I smiled and signed my name ever-so-sweetly and gave them the co-pay and walked with short quick steps outside where the first sob came gulping up. And then more and more and when I got to my car, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to make it into the driver's seat. And I called Partner, whose stupid Nextel phone said, "Please hold while the Nextel customer you are trying to reach can be located," and I lost it further because usually that means that she won't be able to be reached. But today, luck (ha ha ha) was on my side, because the phone did ring and she did pick up, and I cried and cried. And told her to come home as soon as she could. And she had to hold in whatever was in her because she wasn't alone in our very open plan office.

I know-- it's going up. But less than twenty points. And while there is a huge part of me that still believes in the Little Rice, there's also the part that came out of me in the car. The one that realizes this is probably not good news at all. It battles the Katie that recalls the four negative HPTs followed by a positive beta. Could I still go up? Could the Little Rice be teasing us? I've never wanted to be teased this cruelly in my life.

For now, I'm going to try and hold back the crying again. I think my mom's advice was sage, even though I think it's over. Plus, I hate crying. My skin is so sensitive it makes my face breakout. (Hey man, vain until the end I guess.) So for now, I'm putting on the pajamas and getting in bed with my book. A cup of tea. I might stay there until tomorrow morning.

On the plus side, a manhattan could be in my life sooner rather than later. Even though I wish it were later.

35 Comments:

Anonymous Lisa (mcquea01@hotmail.com) said...

Dammit.

I'm just a lurker but I've been silently rooting for you, Partner and Little Rice. Still rooting.

4:39 PM  
Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

Lisa, you are sweet, and I don't think there's such a thing as "just a lurker." I'll root you to keep rooting too. Until that fat lady does her thing.

4:46 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry it didn't skyrocket. But this here fat lady ain't singin' for you yet, so I'll keep my fingers crossed that the other one doesn't start....

4:58 PM  
Blogger art-sweet said...

Dear Mr. or Ms. Rice:

Your failure to produce abundant hcg is causing your future mommies much heartache. Cut it out already, and start behaving yourself.

Sincerely,

Art-Sweet

5:03 PM  
Blogger Hoping said...

You are so lucky to have those around you who love you and are there for you and partner right now. I am praying for your Little Rice to hold on and snap out of it. Don't count the lil' one out just yet, miracles do happen.

5:04 PM  
Blogger Nico said...

$*@&@#$@#(&%*#. %^*$(! )@&(#$*@.

aka string of swears at the cussedness of the universe.

I'm so sorry that the nurse was less than sympathetic. I'm sorry that your numbers are going up so slowly. I'm sorry that it looks like Manhattans are nearer in your future than you would like.

But I'm also still rooting for a Little Rice miracle. That fat lady better not sing for another 9 months, dammit!

5:16 PM  
Anonymous pixi said...

I've been clicking all day, hoping that you'd have some good news to share. I'm terribly sorry that the results weren't what you were looking for, and that this has been so dreadfully hard for you.

Please know that I'm thinking of you, that I really care, and that I'm praying that somehow you'll still get your happy ending.

p.s. Grrrr to your mother's high school art teacher. As a former high school art teacher, that really pisses me off. Thank goodness she eventually found her path.

5:45 PM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

Oh, Katie... I wish I didn't know what it's like to stand in your shoes right now... I've been there... and it's SOOOO hard... some times no news or indeterminate news is the WORST news of all.

I'm thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and lots of love your way...

6:11 PM  
Anonymous Lynnette said...

I'm not going to lie. It doesn't look too good, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. But for the moment, you are still pregnant, as long as its rising, not falling, so this fat lady ain't singing yet either. The jammies and tea and bed and book siound very nice. Show that rice what kind of cozy nest you can make! {{Big Hugs}}

7:44 PM  
Blogger Career Guy said...

Hi Katie,
I just came over to get caught up. I don't get all the numbers, just the feelings they engender. Hang in! Go little Rice, go!

Hey--my verification word is "hugghog"--I am not making this up.

8:00 PM  
Anonymous mamacate said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I had more for you but I know this territory too well. I will continue to wish for a turnaround, but I think being prepared for tough news tomorrow is a good idea. You've done absolutely everything right, and it's just plain not fair. I'm sorry.

I'm wishing you strength and the love and support of your family.

8:14 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

*hugs*

I'm so sorry little rice is teasing you like this.

Hang in there.

8:49 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Thinking of you and Partner. I'm not giving up on my hopes for Little Rice either!!!

9:39 PM  
Blogger Kristi said...

Hang in there - sending postive energy your way! Grow little rice baby, grow!!!

4:17 AM  
Blogger Soul Searching said...

Seems that you need a little more of my good karma, so it's on its way! Hang in there, Katie. That damn fat lady hasn't started singing.

7:49 AM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

Like Manuela, I wish I didn't know what this felt like. I'm thinking of the three of you.

8:39 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

Who says I'm fat?!

I'm not singing yet, damnit. I'm always holding onto hope, so here's hope for you, Partner, and Little Rice. Hang in there and take it easy - you'll all be in my warm fuzzy nurturing thoughts.

9:38 AM  
Blogger Emma B. said...

Oh, Katie, I'm so sorry it wasn't better news. Thinking of you.

9:57 AM  
Blogger Sophia said...

this fat lady is not ready to sing so I hope little rice hangs in there

10:40 AM  
Blogger NMsurrogate said...

Katie and Partner,
I am sending you huge hugs (even though I don't really know you and just feel that I do).

And to little rice: your mommies are really great. If you can hold on, please do. You are blessed with a loving family. Now, (here comes the strict mama / auntie voice) straighten up. Get off your duff and grow. There.

Don't you love how little rice is already getting more attention than you are?

11:02 AM  
Anonymous MFA Mama said...

Oh, fuck, Katie. If you end up with an ectopic there is no justice in the universe. That said, the time I had numbers like that and they thought it was ectopic is currently eating day-old Cheerios off the kitchen table while the sitter's back is turned and I am "working" so I am turning a half-blind eye (doesn't that sound pretty?). Expect a package in the mail, and be very, very afraid of its contents. I'm so sorry, hon.

11:37 AM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Jimjams and cups of tea in bed are always the best medicine for whatever ails you. Maybe some sausages too? I would have to deliver the M&S ones but what the heck, you're worth it.

I know that things are not looking great right now but try to hang in there, sweetie.

1:50 PM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

Sooooooo?????

Refreshing like crazy over here...

5:03 PM  
Blogger PortLairge said...

Oh Katie
I can't believe it is dragging out like this. I'm still hoping and praying over here that everything turns out ok.

7:00 PM  
Blogger chris said...

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I'm still hoping for a great outcome.

Hang in there.

9:13 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

Hey Katie, Just thinking about you all. How did it go yesterday with Dr. BBB? Everything is crossed; I'm rooting for your little family. (((hugs)))

10:08 AM  
Anonymous Erin said...

Just wanted to let you and Partner know that I'm thinking about you through this whole ordeal. I can only hope that little rice is a stubborn grain and will be sticking around for the long haul.

10:23 AM  
Blogger K&M said...

Crossing all available parts for you. I know how hugely sucky it is to have betas that don't cooperate. I really hope this turns around for you.

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Leggy said...

Hoping, hoping, hoping that all turns out okay and that Little Rice grows and grows.

11:14 AM  
Blogger art-sweet said...

hoping, hoping, hoping that no news is not bad news...

know that we are here for the long haul, no matter the test results

sending you a virtual box of chocolates

12:14 PM  
Anonymous Julie said...

In my cabinet I have a package of Kalijira, called "the prince of rice."

I have put it out on the counter and I will be staring at it very hard every time I walk by.

Thinking of the two of you -- the three of you.

1:32 PM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

Just letting you know that I'm still praying for you...

At least... my own Goddessy crystal-munching new-agey form of prayer... it's definitely being sent your way.

1:39 PM  
Blogger Emilin said...

Still praying.

1:48 PM  
Blogger April said...

Praying - as Manuela said - in my own little way for the three of you.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

You three have been in my thoughts and my heart all day. Sending peace and love your way....

3:55 PM  

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