Dear God--A Letter

I'd really like to be inside something small and warm right now. Since there's the off chance that I'm pregnant, the hot bath is out. All those comments from my last post-- I wish I could get right in the middle of all them and feel their goodness press down on me hard. I think what I really want to be is swaddled.

I am trying so hard to keep it together like my mom told me. But sometimes I just hear something or look at something and the light hits it just so, and inside me it's like an arrow that needs to come out. It presses up into the bottom of my throat and it's so hard to swallow it back down.

I'm so scared to ask you for an answer to this because I'm so afraid your answer is going to be "Not this time, Katie." It's almost better to be in the in-between, in the space between night and day. Sometimes dusk can be a very comforting time of the day. But at the same time, this arrow poking my insides is killing me. And the fact that the sun is going rapidly down leaving Partner and me in darkness hurts.

Oh God. I'm open to your magic in the world. And I want for some of that to be happening inside me right now. I feel like I should ask you that the right thing be done, but that's not what I want. I want that little rice to be settling in. I want it to be growing into a baby. That loves rice.

Ha ha. See? I'm still trying to laugh. But I'm really hanging by little piece of thread until tomorrow and that blood test. An answer will come to us then. Whatever it is, help me to be at peace with it when it does come to us. Please. And please please please.

Yours, and always trying,
Katie