Monday, March 06, 2006

Love Train

That's right: The Love Train. Pretty much that's what I was on with all your comments. I am unbelievably touched by the sentiment and wishes everyone sent. No matter what we blog about, I'm pretty sure almost everyone who has written about something close and personal to his or her life has been amazed at the support that comes from all over the world. So the fact that I am floored by your support is nothing new, but it's still enormously special. I'd be in some vacuum of grief without this blog and my friends here.

Well, not entirely because we do have a great network of friends and family in real life too, but you know what I mean.

I'm still in limbo with this whole thing-- (stop reading now if you don't want to hear too much information)-- and I imagine it will be worse when I actually start to bleed, which has not happened yet. This causes me some consternation, so I called the RE office about it today. The last nurse I talked to seemed surprised on Thursday when I told her I wasn't bleeding, so here it is days later, and I show no signs at all. None. Not even a pinkish tinge.

The twelve year old nurse called me back-- I should be more supportive to young women embarking on their nursing careers, but she's twelve. I was very blunt with my question, and do you know what she did? Put me on hold. To ask another nurse. Okay, okay-- I'm being hard on her. It's called a learning curve, but I just don't want to be part of it. It's the one thing I'm being fairly bitchy about with this cycle, and I think I might be allowed. No one in the RE office seems concerned I haven't started bleeding yet. I guess it's only me. If it's over, I want it to be over. Just the kind of girl I am I guess.

Of course part of me worries excessively that the labs were all wrong and I am indeed still pregnant. The masses of wine consumed all weekend-- Friday, Saturday, and Sunday-- make me nervous in this case. But it's not the case, but I also think some irrational worries are allowable also.

I haven't had a big breakdown about anything yet. My guess is that will come with the tangible sign of blood, but I have cried about stupid things and my gut instinct is that those cries were less about the broken vacuum or moving or Partner singing to me boldly and out of tune, and more about this current shit. (See how I still balk when writing miscarriage. I have a real hard time with saying it.)

In any case, we see Dr. BusyBusyBusy tomorrow, and we'll hopefully get more insight into what happened or didn't happen and this time I'm pushing for a better answer than "egg quality." I understand that might be all I get still, but nonetheless, I want answers.

Again, all the love-- Staggering-- and I will never be able to say how much it has meant to me.


Blogger Mandy said...

The waiting stage really is the worst. I hope that you get the answers you are looking for tomorrow when you meet w/ the doctor. ((hugs))

7:03 PM  
Blogger DD said...

I know this is probably more info than you want, and I hope I don't cause you undue sadness, but it may take a couple more days for you to actually "go through the process". The worst part about IVF pregnancies is that not only do you know the minute your are pregnant, but unfortunately the minute you are not. For the rest of the Fertile world, they get a reprieve by a couple of days as they usually don't know until they start spotting.

It sucks no matter what.

8:30 PM  
Blogger frog said...

You're loved even when you're not going through something big, you know.

9:24 PM  
Blogger Hoping said...

I hope you get what you want out of your doctor visit tomorrow, I know how frustrating it can be to be in limbo when it comes to your body. Even though we don't know each other and probably never will we are human beings and we share that connection.

9:36 PM  
Anonymous cj said...

thinking of you katie.

9:47 AM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

No doubt about it... the waiting... it bites.

We'll all be here when it does indeed start and you need to vent... I've definitely been in your shoes... and I wish I hadn't.

Smooches, girl.

2:27 PM  
Anonymous Mary said...

Stay positive - you never know! No more wine for you until you know for sure! :) :) :)

Could they do a transvaginal ultrasound at Dr. Busybusybusy's office tommorrow? Just so you'll know for sure?

Whatever happens, our thoughts are with you guys...good luck *hugs*

7:51 AM  

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