Thursday, March 02, 2006

The Rather Rotund Lady Singeth

What is one of the hardest ways you can hear the news you don't want to hear? Well, I'll tell you. Go to a good friend's house who is due in two weeks. She has a 21 month old too. You made plans to get together to see another old friend who just had a baby last week. And that baby is adorable. Only five little pounds. The friend who just gave birth had a very hard time-- and the conditions surrounding this little baby were very scary. When you hold her new son, you just laugh and laugh because you can't imagine the scare she's had and that he's out and safe and so is she is really a miracle. So what you're dealing with shitty infertility-- here is something really good in the world and it's amazing. Incredibly, you really feel this way. For real.

So, imagine you are holding this baby and you hear your phone ring, so you hand the baby back to your friend's father. You answer the phone and right away you know the nurse is not going to give you your number. In fact, the number she gives you is 36. So you think about that horrific cramping from yesterday. The cramping that made you grab the lecturn while you were in front of your whole class trying to talk about Iranian history. And so when the nurse is talking to you, you sit on a couch in a room next to where everyone is talking about pregnancies and babies and when you put your hand up to your mouth to cover your cry, you can smell that little baby smell you want to know so intimately, but you don't want to cry at this moment because the day is about your friend and her own little miracle and if you start crying you'll never stop. That's what you think. You talk to the nurse for a long time who wonders if you've started bleeding yet. You look down in horror at the pale yellow couch you are sitting on. But no. Not yet. And you talk about how you have to go back to the RE office where they will verify your blood type as positive, because now that you've been pregnant-- now that you've been pregnant-- now that you've been pregnant--oh God-- there are things they have to be sure about with Rh and you listen to half it because you just realized you are miscarrying the rice. Miscarriage is an ugly word. You try to convince the nurse you don't need that blood test because you are definitely A+, but you don't have any piece of paper that is verified on. Not even your old Red Cross card because they banned you years ago since they thought you might be a mad cow. You hear the baby make baby noises from the other room. And the nurse tells you how your miscarriage will probably happen. And you schedule all your follow up appointments and the nurse tells you not only do you need to come back in tomorrow but next week as well to make sure the beta number goes negative. In the middle of this phone call, your friend's toddler will come into the room and look at you with the boldest blue eyes you have ever seen on a child. You will him away from you so hard, you start to feel like a cruel person. For hours after this, you will listen to pregnancy complaints and you will want to scream out in aggravation. You want to cry to some of your oldest friends, but you won't. You don't. You call your partner, who can't cry either, and you call your mother who is in the middle of an art class, but cries a little anyway and you finally leave the room you are in after pacing back and forth a few times drawing in shaking breaths. You come back to your own house where you want to pour that huge drink at that very moment, but your old friend and her parents are still with you, and since her parents are Adventists, you want to respect that they won't appreciate you guzzling down a hearty drink, you compromise with yourself and just drink the caffienated tea and you still ask to hold the baby, because this is one of your oldest friends, and the baby is really very amazing. At some point in the afternoon you realize they are going to leave and you start dreading it because then you will be alone and you know it's going to pour out any minute after that. And when they leave, your favorite cat will come to you and sit on you as if he knows that know you can take your allergy medicine again and he will look at you so intently, you know he knows. And then you finally make that drink and curse that there's only enough CC for one and you go upstairs and watch the sun set beyond some dark and heavy clouds and know that the night has come for sure and you wait. You wait for the horrible bright spot to mark the end.


Blogger Sara said...

Oh, Katie. I am so sorry. Words really cannot express....I wish I could crawl through this computer and give you a big hug. You and Partner are in my thoughts.

6:48 PM  
Blogger frog said...

Katie, I'm so, so sorry.


7:24 PM  
Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

Well, frog-- At least I'll be drinking with everyone on Saturday night. Eh? Thanks though. And Sara too. I felt that hug. I swear I did.

7:25 PM  
Blogger Beaver Girl said...

I'm so sorry. so sad.

7:29 PM  
Blogger Emma B. said...

Oh, honey, I'm so dreadfully sad for you and Partner. Thinking of you both.

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Jean said...

Big hugs to you both. I can't even imagine how hard this must be. Hang in there and know that we are all thinking about you both.

7:55 PM  
Anonymous Amanda said...

I'm so very sorry.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Firefly said...

I'm sorry doesn't seem to be enough. I cried while reading your post, and if it upsets me this much I can't even imagine your heartbreak. I am so sorry.

8:12 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

Katie, I am so very sorry. This is horrible and absolutely sucks. I hope they can figure out whay this happened so it can be prevented next time. Give yourselves time to grieve this loss. I'm sorrier than these words can express. I'm so sorry for you and Partner. I guess LR is waiting fro the right time or body (it'd be nice if you could have a peek at this "schedule" so you wouldn't have to keep going though this pain. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm sorry. : (

8:37 PM  
Anonymous Lynnette said...

Katie, I'm so sorry. Very sad over here for you. Take care of yourselves. Lots of jammies and tea (and CC Manhattans...).

8:38 PM  
Blogger DD said...

I'm so sorry about Little Rice. I'm sorry that saying "I'm sorry" doesn't seem to be enough.

8:49 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

I'm so very sorry this is happening. It sucks, plain and simple. ((hugs))

8:54 PM  
Blogger Trista said...

Oh Katie... this is so shitty. So very, very shitty.

9:15 PM  
Blogger Hoping said...

I feel so bad about what you and Partner are going through, know that you both are in my prayers.

9:18 PM  
Blogger art-sweet said...

Katie -

My heart goes out to you and partner. Now sending you virtual manhattans & very warm hugs, hoping in some way to mute the pain of the rotund lady's off-tune singing...


9:32 PM  
Blogger Brooke said...

We're both so very sorry for you. And such a time to find out.

9:34 PM  
Blogger NMsurrogate said...

Katie and Partner,
I am so sorry to hear that. I wish I could make you Manhattans myself. I know that there will the a little rice for you to love in person. I just know it.
All my best,

9:47 PM  
Blogger Soul Searching said...

Oh, sweet Katie. I've never read anything so stabbing in my life, and I felt like I was there with you at each moment. I wished I had been in fact. I hope that manhattan kicked in hard and fast. fucking hell you deserve it. I'm crying with you right now. now go drink another.

10:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so so so very sorry. You and Partner are in my thoughts and prayers. *hugs*

10:21 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

I'm so sorry. Be kind to yourselves and know you're in my thoughts.

10:35 PM  
Blogger Nik said...

My friend Trista told me about your blog when I started fretting about moving to Michigan. I've been reading for only a few days and just want to say how sorry I am. I hope for you.

11:44 PM  
Blogger Kristi said...

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. I wish there was a way to help heal your heart. I am saying a little prayer for you, partner and little rice.

3:45 AM  
Anonymous Jennie said...

I'm sorry you ever had to write this post as heartbreakingly poignant as it was, I so wish it were never made. May you never need to write another like it. my thoughts are with you and your partner I'm so very very sorry for you both.

7:02 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

I just came over from Sassy's blog. I'm so sorry for you and your partner's loss.

7:21 AM  
Anonymous Mary said...

Oh gods...I'm so sorry :( That's all I'll say, because I have no idea *what* else to say...


10:05 AM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

I am so, so sorry. Miscarriage is the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. We're all here if you need us.

10:22 AM  
Blogger starevelina said...

Katie, I'm so sorry. I know that words can't be adequate, although your words are just beautiful and heartbreaking. We're thinking of you. -Kate (and J)-

10:24 AM  
Blogger Nico said...

My heart goes out to you and Partner. I am so sorry that your Little Rice has ended this way.

Let's knock that rotund lady down and give her a few swift kicks. Tell her she's not welcome to come back EVER AGAIN!

10:46 AM  
Blogger Cate said...

Oh Katy.

I'm so sorry. I'm just so very sorry.

My recipe for miscarriage self-care is as follows:

1. strong drink (you've got that covered)
2. chocolate, rice krispies treats, macaroni and cheese, and potato chips (YMMV, but think comfort food)
3. bad, comedic, teen-targeted movies (for me it was 10 Things I Hate About You, which was great)
4. a good friend to be with you and watch the bad movies, drink the strong drinks, eat the chocolate, and talk about the awful feelings when you want to talk about the awful feelings, and to talk about celebrity fashion, dick cheney and bird-hunting, or the minute details of reality show contestant personalities. You pick.
5. painkillers.

No going to work, no holding other people's babies (unless you want to), no trying to be strong. If you collapse into sobs, it doesn't mean you'll always be there. If you giggle at psychotic reality tv contestants, it doesn't make your pain any less real.

Finally, the book "Miscarriage: Women Sharing From the Heart" is indispensable. If you start to feel like your reaction is "wrong" somehow, go get that book and read it. You'll remember that you're not alone.

I'm sorry. You will come back from this place. But I'm sorry you have to be there at all.

11:04 AM  
Anonymous Pronoia said...

Oh Katie, I'm so sorry. I'll be thinking of you and of Partner.

11:20 AM  
Blogger fisher queen said...

I am so so sorry.

1:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Katie, I just started reading here recently and hadn't commented before but wanted to say that my thoughts are with you. I'm so sorry.

martha (

1:34 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

I'm so sorry for you both.

1:46 PM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

All my love...

1:58 PM  
Blogger PortLairge said...

Katie, words cannot express how sorry I am. This whole thing has been one big mindfuck for you and partner. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

2:29 PM  
Blogger DeadBug said...

My heart is aching for you and Partner and your little rice. I'm so very sorry, so very sorry.

3:27 PM  
Anonymous pixi said...

It just crushes me to think of what you must be going through. I was so hoping that you'd get your miracle numbers - that it would finally be your time. And now to find out that you're going to be facing miscarriage on top of everything. It's just brutal. And so terribly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry and so sad for you guys.

3:38 PM  
Blogger eryn said...

Oh Katie- I was really pulling for you! I am so sorry. I can'timagine what you are going through.

4:45 PM  
Anonymous Erin said...

I am so sad for you and Partner. So very sad and sorry for you on the loss of your baby. I wish that I could send more than words and thoughts your way.

5:19 PM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Katie and partner, all my love to you both. Your pain must be unbearable but my only assvice is do not be afraid to let out that anguish and pain. You may feel that you cannot as you would never be able to stop the crying and the grief but you do and you will.

The cure for all that ails you cannot be found easily but much strong tea, love and jimjams all round can only help.

8:58 AM  
Blogger April said...

Words cannot express how incredibly sorrowful my heart is for you right now. I wish that there was something I could do to make it better, to ease the pain. Please know that our thoughts are with you.

10:40 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

I'm so, so sorry.

1:39 PM  
Blogger amyesq said...

Oh Katie, I am crying here right now for you. I am so awfully sorry. The whole thing just sounds so spectacularly sucky. So sorry. So sad.

4:50 PM  
Anonymous Wendy said...

I just started reading your blog. Not even sure who sent it to me to read, but I want to tell you how sorry I am. Having gone through a loss and felt pretty much like you do, I guess I just want you to know that I have been there and done that. It's not fun, it really and truly sucks. Please don't give up your dream. Grieve, be angry, but don't give up your dream. I have your namesake (a Katie too) to prove it works if you don't give up the dream. I am at if you ever want to talk.

5:11 PM  
Anonymous Amy said...

I'm usually just a lurker but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am. It hurts like hell. I'm so, so sorry.

6:29 PM  
Blogger Moxie said...

I'm so sorry.

11:30 PM  
Blogger abster said...

Oh Katie. This was so awful to read. I was so hoping that little rice would be sticky. I wanted you and partner to catch a break, finally. I'm so sorry about what you are going through.

12:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, fuck. Katie, I'm so sorry for you and Partner both. Fuck. MFA Mama

2:12 PM  
Anonymous AdventureDad said...

Very sorry for you and your partner. Life isn't always fair. Hang in there.


2:17 PM  

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