Thursday, February 02, 2006

Danger Will Robinson, Danger!

A little bit of Google will make a grown woman crazy. It's like a knowledge slot machine-- will you get three lemons? If you do, beware, because that's a bitter dose of knowledge. I dare you to try-- first, pick a few innocuous terms, plug them into the google search bar, and pull the lever.

[Casino noise inserted here]

My first example: "estrogen." This should not be scary, folks, because let's face it, approximately 50% of the populace manufactures estrogen naturally. (Well, okay-- wait a minute, even men get estrogen too, but hopefully you are following the general gist here.) However when you put estrogen into good old Google, you get this, where you are immediately warned "Estrogen may increase the risk of heart attack, stroke, breast cancer, endometrial cancer, and blood clots in the lungs or legs." Super. (This bliss can also be achieved if one actually reads the information that comes with the estrogen patches. Still, this is about googling.) After reading this, it's helpful to pop that little blue pill chock full of heart attacks, strokes, breast cancer, endometrial cancer and blood clots, aka Estradiol, into your mouth. Mm-mm good!

Next, try this fun one: "pregnancy and overweight." You might google this because you are paranoid that you are already a bad mother even though you don't even have children because you are considering a pregnancy under less than optimal health conditions. (Sidebar: You might also think this because when you talk to friends about watching the Six Nations Rugby Tourney, you wonder how you will do this without having more than a few pints of the old ale. You might think often about the length of time you will have to give up booze. This will cause some serious mother guilt, even if you don't have children. Now back to googlemania and our current search terms, "pregnancy and overweight.") If you pick the first site that comes up, it's not so bad until you read this: "Being overweight and pregnant puts you at greater risk for complications such as preeclampsia and gestational diabetes." But that's nothing you didn't know already. So keep looking, and keep feeling worse, but don't forget to suck down that regular Coke, full of sugar, and then stumble upon this gem. So, okay, not only are you fat, but now you're dooming the kid before it's even born. You should stop googling now, but it's like a little drug of looming dark clouds (almost like the Estradiol!), and you just can't stop your fingers.

And you know you shouldn't, but you do it anyway, and you google "gestational diabetes," which is definitely pulling a three lemon result on google, and it's far to scary to even outline, so you think, you're done because you've got your winning result of doom and gloom for the day.

However, if you're like me, you then google a fairly vague like description of something the nurse said she saw on your Partner's ultrasound this morning. You weren't there, so you didn't see it, but when your partner calls you, you think, "Huh, that sounds odd. I think I'll google it!" Don't. Do. That. Because then fifteen minutes later you will be crying (probably because of the Estradiol) and thinking about how you will sell your house and ask your parents for a big loan and the lyrics to old Billy Joel songs will enter your head with words like "good" and "die" and "young." Somewhere along the line, you will call three of your good friends who will all tell you to calm the fuck down and stop attracting negative energy and you will mostly listen to them because what other choice do you have? Hopefully you will also remember that your primary calling in life is that of "writer" which means you make up all sorts of really good stories all the time, and this is probably another one of your (maudlin) fictions. After all, your partner has been having ultrasounds every two days, and this is the first time anyone has ever seen seemingly scary looking thingies in uterus, and according to your friend, Irish, maybe it was just a spot on the ultrasound screen. (Yeah! Yeah! A spot on the screen!) You will end up keeping your phone tucked at your side, because your partner said she told the RE office to call you after referring ultrasound images on to doctor, who will not only look at thingies in uterus, but also the nicely progressing follicles. Breath deep and focus on the good.

And then consider unplugging the internet connection on your computer in order to stop the incessant google searches, but realize if you do that, you will be cut off from the blogworld, and that will never do. Instead, consider valium, and then you can start the whole cycle of feeling like a bad mother even though you don't have kids and this can, in turn, initiate a brand spanking new round of google slots!

Have fun, kids!


Blogger Trista said...

You are going to be a GREAT mother. You've got the gratuitous guilt part down already!

Hell, try feeling guilty about maybe not wanting to breastfeed a child that isn't even in the process of being conceived yet. I wish we could go out for coffee or drinks, I have the feeling we could swap things to feel guilty over and/or worry about (needlessly) for hours.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

Oh screw the guilt! Give yourself a break - this is what people keep telling me when I (guiltily confess to eating chocolate while pregnant. And I have sipped a little wine here and there). You will be a good mom. And I swear it's the frickin' hormones that make you nuts - can't worry about that either. I hope Partner's US results are okay, and try not to worry too much about the Estradiol... I took that for weeks, and I was fine. Those bad things happen rarely, and being aware of it only empowers you to keep an eye on things, so that if something does go wrong, you can get it and treat ti early, before it becomes a problem. Now have fun watching the Torney!

1:29 PM  
Blogger PortLairge said...

When my friend was pregnant, her doctor told her she could have 2 beers at her shower. She also had her friend mix up pina coladas wirhin a few hours of her c-section when she was still supposed to be on ice chips!! We will find a way!!
There was no need for the nurse to mention seeing anyting. She could have just waited and shown the doctor. Screw her!

2:58 PM  
Blogger J said...

Googling can only put you in a bad place. Unless, of course, you google "godiva chocolate."

My ex's mom once (in pre google days) searched for "hot flashes," looking for information on menopause. Yeah. The sites she found were more apt to....give her hot flashes than help relieve them.

She then had an addiction to internet porn.

Maybe you shouldn't ever google anything, again.

4:46 PM  
Blogger Soul Searching said...

Fucking google freaks me out like this all the time. Trips me out the most when I google my maiden name and find emails and message board postings I wrote back in 1995. Nothing like being reminded how smart you are at 19.

I think you're going to be a fabulous mother and I'm rarely wrong about these things. :)

7:02 PM  
Anonymous pixi said...

Oh that article about pregnancy and obesity is evil. It makes you feel like it doesn't matter if you eat well during your pregnancy - it's already too late, and you've doomed your kid to be fat. Great.

Yeah, Google can be harsh, but I don't know what I'd do without out it. I'm just as hooked as you.

Thinking of you & Partner, btw. Hope everything looks A-OK at the next ultrasound.

And thanks again for looking out for me, Katie. It was a huge help.

7:29 PM  
Blogger mermaidgrrrl said...

Doctor Google has fuck-all bedside manner - I can't really recommend him if you want the caring, consoling touch.

And you know better than to read all that fat-phobic crap woman! I thought we had foresworn all of that stuff and were going to be size positive together? *smooch*

6:55 AM  

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