The Doubter Puts Her Hands in the Wounds

It's okay to tell you now how anxious I was about today. I couldn't write about it too much ahead of time because, well, it was just too scary. The what-ifs were astounding. What if we went and there was nothing? What if we went and there was a yolk sac and no baby? What if there was a problem with a fetal pole? What if there were two? Or, shit, three? What if there were two and one was ectopic and was in the uterus (does this happen ever?)?

I was literally drowning in the what-ifs.

This is probably why I sat in the closet and cried. I kept thinking about Thomas, who didn't believe until, he said, he could put his hands in the wounds. I don't want to be like Thomas. I want to believe in the universe of good things without having to see the proof of them. But I just couldn't bring myself to that point in this cycle, despite the positive signs and beta numbers.

I was more nervous getting on the table today than I was at any point in the whole damn cycle.

Dr. BusyBusyBusy did more to prove his wonderfulness though. He came and asked how I was feeling, then said, "Oh, don't tell me yet, let's just do this first." He got that wand in there very fast, and looked quickly and then took it away. We think he did this because he wanted to see that everything was alright before continuing. But he continued, and we watched, and he pulled in the picture so we could see more clearly.

And it was. Alright! 1.2 mm and we saw the little heart beating away.

And all the doubt in me dried right up. There's a baby inside, and I think it's going to stay.