Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The Doubter Puts Her Hands in the Wounds

It's okay to tell you now how anxious I was about today. I couldn't write about it too much ahead of time because, well, it was just too scary. The what-ifs were astounding. What if we went and there was nothing? What if we went and there was a yolk sac and no baby? What if there was a problem with a fetal pole? What if there were two? Or, shit, three? What if there were two and one was ectopic and was in the uterus (does this happen ever?)?

I was literally drowning in the what-ifs.

This is probably why I sat in the closet and cried. I kept thinking about Thomas, who didn't believe until, he said, he could put his hands in the wounds. I don't want to be like Thomas. I want to believe in the universe of good things without having to see the proof of them. But I just couldn't bring myself to that point in this cycle, despite the positive signs and beta numbers.

I was more nervous getting on the table today than I was at any point in the whole damn cycle.

Dr. BusyBusyBusy did more to prove his wonderfulness though. He came and asked how I was feeling, then said, "Oh, don't tell me yet, let's just do this first." He got that wand in there very fast, and looked quickly and then took it away. We think he did this because he wanted to see that everything was alright before continuing. But he continued, and we watched, and he pulled in the picture so we could see more clearly.

And it was. Alright! 1.2 mm and we saw the little heart beating away.

And all the doubt in me dried right up. There's a baby inside, and I think it's going to stay.

34 Comments:

Anonymous Kristi said...

Wow! What wonderful news! Enjoy!

4:46 PM  
Anonymous Pygmalion's Wife said...

YES! YESSSSSS! Oh, Katie, I'm so happy for you and Partner! Isn't it wonderful to see those little pulsing pixels on the screen?! You're going to have Partner's BABY! WHOO!!!

4:50 PM  
Blogger KristinC said...

Oh how wonderful! And let me just say how amazing it is that you and Partner get to share this together. Carrying her baby is no doubt going to make you that much closer. Fantastic news! <3 :)

4:56 PM  
Anonymous tonya cinnnamon said...

awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the littel miracles of hearbeats are soo cool to watch! congrats to you all!!!!
i am soo excited!!!!!!!

5:11 PM  
Blogger Hoping said...

Sigh. I am so relieved. Every time I read your posts I am so anxious and can't wait to get to the end. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! Bursting for you.

5:18 PM  
Anonymous pixi said...

I'm rooting for that little baby. And I'm so thrilled for you guys.

A heartbeat -- how truly lovely. Congratulations.

5:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations!!! How Wonderful!

Rachel Y

5:23 PM  
Blogger Trista said...

Oh my goodness oh my goodness!!! Oh YOUR goodness, too!

5:28 PM  
Blogger M. said...

Yeah!!!!!

5:28 PM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Oh thank God, Katie! I could not have borne anything other than good news from you, sweetness.

6:08 PM  
Blogger amyesq said...

Wonderful!!! So glad to hear it.

6:32 PM  
Blogger WordsRock said...

Wonderful news! I am irrationally excited for you and partner both. :)

But let's hope it doesn't stay inside for longer than, say, nine months or so, hmm?

Suzanne

7:33 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

Wonderful news. I am so happy for all 3 of you! Congrats!

7:42 PM  
Anonymous mamacate said...

Joy oh joy!

I'm so happy for you...bright blessings for the return of hope!

8:42 PM  
Blogger frog said...

"The little heart." So, one, yes? One as far as you know...[cackles wildly]

We're THRILLED for you. Thrilled. Thrilled!

9:02 PM  
Anonymous Beth said...

Ecstatic for you!

9:38 PM  
Anonymous Lucy said...

I recently heard a religious scholar talking about Thomas. His thesis was that although there is a negative connotation associated with being a "doubting Thomas," this was something that we've read into the story after the fact. If you go back and look at the passage in the bible, Jesus never judges Thomas for being a "doubter." He talks about Thomas being blessed, and that those who don't need to see to believe are also blessed. He never looks down on Thomas because he needed to see in order to believe.

Heh. That said, congrats. So happy for you. I'm a few weeks ahead of you in this adventure and it continues to be marvelous. And I've been a BIG TIME doubter ... who among us wouldn't doubt, when so many infertile women have had so many problems.

Welcome to the rollercoaster of pregnancy! :)

9:38 PM  
Blogger art-sweet said...

Katie - This bright news was just what I needed today. I'm so thrilled that the good guys won for once (for now, ptut, ptut, ptut, crossing my fingers for the next nine months.)

We'll have to arrange a cross-country playdate for KatieBabe and GuateBabe someday.

xo

art-sweet

10:24 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Hooray, hooray, hooray!

11:00 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Fantastic news!!! I am so happy for you!!

11:31 PM  
Blogger LilySea said...

That is SO exciting!

12:07 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

Wow. How absolutely exciting!

12:39 AM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Fantastic news katie, congratulations. I hope this is a long and uneventful pregnancy for you and Partner!

6:27 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

I was sitting on the edge of my seat reading that. I can't tell you how happy I am for you two right now. This is just fantastic news! *hugs* Yay!

6:28 AM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

So very happy for you!

8:41 AM  
Blogger Tamsin said...

How wonderful!
You certainly like to take us along on the rollercoaster ride with you in your posts - talk about gripping reading ;o)

10:30 AM  
Blogger Gandksmom said...

I can remember like yesterday seeing the heartbeat! That is when I too, knew that all was going to be OK! Congrats! Your pregnant!

11:59 AM  
Blogger NMsurrogate said...

Oh, how exciting! Congratulations to the three of you. I am so excited to follow your pregnancy! When is your due date?
All my best!
-Erika

12:41 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

I am so happy for your little family! How wonderful! I'm just over the moon for you two crazykids! Much love to you three! : ) xoxoxo

1:34 PM  
Blogger Nico said...

That is absolutely wonderful. After all the bad news over the last few days, it's nice to see that good things DO happen!

1:36 PM  
Blogger Calliope said...

wooo hoooooo!!!
wonderful, wonderful news!

& phew!

9:15 AM  
Blogger Sami said...

Wonderful news! Congratulations!

2:09 PM  
Blogger Soul Searching said...

I can only imagine the excitement you are feeling right now - I'm so completely thrilled for you! Can't wait to read all about it over the next years!

3:28 PM  
Blogger Not a hipster said...

I came across your blog today, and holy shit! Congratu-f-ing-lations!!!!

7:01 PM  

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