Health Risk Factors

From the new ob/gyn, Dr Dyke's office, the following:


Do you?

• Do a self beast exam? (kinda?); Any changes? (no?)
• Exercise regularly? (Oh shit, no. No, I don't. I am a big fat slug.)
• Smoke? (No! Ha! See how I healthy I am? I may not exercise regularly, but I don't smoke! I got one right!)
• Consume alchohol? (Of course!) Drinks/wk: (Many. Several. Depends on the week? Um, am I allowed to lie? About two (per night)? Shit shit shit shit. How do I answer this question? Shit. Shit. Why are you judging me, sister, you just met me!?)
• Use recreational drugs? (Just say no, dude.)
• Use sunscreen regularly? (For the first three days at the beach, sure. After that, I want the bain de soliel tanned lady body.)
• Wear seatbelts? (Religiously. Ha! Another one correct.)
• Eat dairy products daily? (Cheese. Lover. Here.)
• Eat fruits and vegatables daily? (Yes. Not as much as I should, but yes.)
• Follow a low-fat diet? (Cripes. Another should I lie question.)
• Take calcium supplements? (I own a bottle of calcium supplements.)
• Take vitamin supplements? (My partner does!)

More or less I could stop doing the new patient intake form right now. Clearly I am going to drop dead next week.