One Year, some days

I recently was rereading through this old neglected blog and looking at the breadth of my life that I have laid out here over the years. From a relationship that I thought was solid and would last forever to something that became bereft of love and hurtful, from a PhD in literature to a daily slog in the trenches of health care, from childless and longing to completely amazed that my own Cricket is now four. It strikes me that last year I was dreading February because of the huge changes that would happen and this year the only reason I had to dread February was February itself, the bitter cold, whipping winds and icy freeways. That's not to say that I still don't dread certain aspects of life: I still wake up at 2:00 am with a sharp breath, "The mortgage! Jesus!" I step gingerly into the basement and peer around the corner holding that same breath praying that pipe did not burst. But the concerns, the small anxieties, seem so much more manageable.

This week I went to my friend Lilith's house to be beautified-- and then lounged about her bedroom, prone on her bed in a pile of pillows. I told her how brave I thought her daughter was for thinking of moving out on her own, so young and with a child of her own. Lilith shrugged. I noted that we all have things that seem brave to us that don't phase the other. I know that when people hear stories from the ICU, a common response is "I could never do that" but I know they probably could. Just as I probably could have lived on my own much sooner than I did. I pointed out to Lilith that after Partner moved out, it was the first time I really lived on my own. That in and of itself made this past year revolutionary for me, and made me feel very very strong. Capable. The woman that people have always perceived me to me.

It's interesting how people's perceptions don't match our own and maybe we need to pay more attention to that. If the world perceives me as an intelligent, capable, beautiful woman, I need to listen. Likewise, when the world tells me I can be bossy, impatient, and proud, I probably need to hear this message as well. It appears I am just as unwilling to hear the positive things as the negative!

The blog is a good barometer for life and as much as I have said it before, I should probably write in it more. I can go back and read posts written and those unwritten and clearly see what direction my life was headed. Once I was talking to a writer who ran a nationally syndicated column about her life and she said after she got divorced, many of her readers commented they saw it coming before she did based on her writing. As writers, we often use words to clarify our feelings, but sometimes we aren't good meteorologists for our own lives.

In any case, life feels like a sunnier place in the past few months-- Not necessarily a flat plain, but I've always been bored by landscapes like that. I want oceans and mountains and deep forests. Good thing that's what I've always gotten. Funny what one year and few days will do.