Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Stinky Candle Causes Crabbiness

Everybody has these days, but when you're having one of them, why do you feel like the only one in the world who has ever felt this way?

To wit: Is it wrong to want to throttle the woman in the office across the hall who must have a really stinky candle burning? And its been burning all day? I sound a little crazy, but my head and stomach are sensitive to those sickly sweet candles that some people love. I hate them. This same woman likes to put Glade air fresheners in the bathroom, and I've held my peace about these. But the candle. I am literally sick with the smell.

I work with my partner-- on Tuesday and Thursday only-- mostly this is a fine work environment, but every now and then it gets tense. Today, knowing I am having a hard day, she has been very kind to me. This has still not stopped me from going into the bathroom and crying like a thirteen year old girl. And like a thirteen year old girl, I can't quite pinpoint what the problem is. It's grey outside and has been for awhile? That I'm unsure if the sun exists any more? Seems too easy. I hate doing the books for the company? Well, kinda. But these explanations don't even ring true to myself.

When you're thirteen and feel like this, often you might find yourself thinking, "I have no friends." Ah, yes, and when you're 33, feeling like a moody 13 year old, you will also think this. Like me today. Never mind my house was full to the brim a few weeks ago with friends galore, I still have been whingey about this today too.

Partner told me, "Why don't you go home early today?" and that made me cry more. The house, while not dirty, feels messy to me. Realistically, it's not messy at all. Okay, I didn't make the bed today, and there's a stack of catalogues and magazines next to the tub from a New Year's Eve bath. Every once in awhile, when my life is feeling haywire, these are the complaints about my life I drag out of the closet. The house is messy. I have no friends. Michigan is depressing. Rarely are these the real issue.

When Partner pointed this out to me moments ago, she asked if I was nervous about the Lupron shot tomorrow. Nervous?! Why on earth would I be nervous? How totally crazy of her to suggest such a thing. But when she asked me, I found myself bawling even louder. I don't know if that's the reason for my moodiness today, but that uncontrolled reaction to Partner's question might be a clue.

And I've also found myself scared of pregnancy in a way I wasn't last time around. I really feel not fit enough to have a baby right now. I feel like we should postpone for six months and go on a Biggest Loser type of get-fit program. I'm worried that being overweight is going to cause all sorts of problems from miscarriage to very early pre-term labor. And then the kid or kids will be blind or won't be able to breathe on their own or something. And it will be my fault for being so freaking fat.

Pretty much I think I should just have a drink and calm down about everything. I wasn't going to drink this cycle, trying to wind down the cocktail hour before the transfer, but that plan is right out the fucking window. I could be nervous about the Lupron shot tomorrow. Or that I won't get pregnant again. Or that I will.

Or it could just be that fucking candle...


Anonymous Manuela said...

Oh, I so hear you... on both counts. Where I work anything with a strong smell if strictly verboten! I mean that just makes sense!

And the biggest loser thing... I was seriously wondering if that show would entertain the idea of a Canadian contestant... because I SO need radical intervention. Let me know if you want an on-line partner in food-crime prevention.

5:21 PM  
Anonymous MFA Mama said...


1. When I unexpectedly got pregnant for the third time, I weighed over 150 pounds (I was still carrying baby weight from the second baby). I had the same fears, but I did not develop gestational diabetes, or high blood pressure, or pre-eclampsia, or any of those other horrid things.
2. And this was the only baby I did NOT deliver early.
3. I ended up weighing the same at delivery as I had with the other two pregnancies; I have discussed this with friends and my OBGYN and consensus says your body has a number in mind for pregnancy and will pretty much stick to it no matter what you do or don't do or where you start out (unless you're like, Richard Simmons coming to get you with the jaws of life huge, and you are not).
4. Those scented candles suck. You should totally say something--tell her you're allergic. Or better yet, tell her the fire marshall doesn't allow candles in the office (probably true).
5. You can't change the outcome by worrying (and I mean that in the obnoxious "so why worry" way and also in the more realistic "don't worry about worrying" way--if worry or negative thoughts could prevent/end pregnancies half of us wouldn't be here and I wouldn't have any kids).
6. If it helps at all, I think you're pretty :-)
7. In a totally non-creepy way.
8. Don't try to keep your worries to yourself. You'll go nuts. If you don't want to burden Partner with them (although she may be comforted by your sharing), find someone else to discuss them with who knows what you're going through and won't be an asshole about it (certain people I have recently conversed with come to mind). Hell, e-mail me. I'm such a loser that it would brighten my day, anyway.
9. Take some B-complex (in the morning). Good to prepare for pregnancy and also boosts your mood.
10. Sorry to hijack your comments. I'll shut up now.

9:46 PM  
Blogger PortLairge said...

Oh I am so sorry you are having such a bad day. I like mfa mama's idea of telling your office mate you are seriously allergic to the candles. Try wheezing as you tell her.
I'm not sure if you hate the actual shots or the effect of the lupron. It was easier for me the second time around. I just started my stims last night.
As for the booze, no there is a subject I'm an authority on. I started lupron on Dec 22nd and still had some wine and beer over the holidays. A drink or two won't do you any harm IMHO.
I hope tomorrow is a better day and if it's any consolation, the California sky looked like the Michigan sky all weekend.
Sleep tight.

12:04 AM  
Blogger J said...

Hey -I fully get the candle thing -Most scented things make me want to yak - Agree with Portlairge in going the "allergic" route.

As for the fat thing....I'm about 180 right now, but losing steadily due to low carb/low sugar, and some moderate excersize. The holidays definitly threw a wrench into my diet. I'm climbing back on board right now. But there's no "goal" weight to hit before we ttc. When we get there, we do.But I understand your fears. However, putting extra pressure on yourself to lose weight, or being stressed out about the weight issues really aren't good for your head.

I didn't think that my mental state would be much affected by the ttc ride, but we haven't even tried yet and even just the meds to get my periods under controll have wreaked havoc on my brain.

Take it easy on yourself....and I hope that today is better than yesterday. Good luck with the shot.

8:47 AM  
Blogger mermaidgrrrl said...

Well, I know about the whole "no friends" feeling because I've had a massive case of that over Christmas. Last year was a terrible year for us re: friends. We chose to blow off lots of mates to help out a woman who was sick and dedicated a massive proportion of the year to her (plus finances, energy and emotions) and she ended up ripping us off financially and then lying to other people about us. Nice. So I've been very "Nigel No Friends" and feeling miserable and home-sick but have thankfully snapped out of it. Thank the goddess, cause the coule that took me out for brunch this morning for an earlyu birthday treat and my friend that I went shopping with and had not one but TWO champagnes with this afternoon would be quite upset if they thought they didn't count as friends!

And I really am very fat (240 pounds) but going to pregnant anyway! I'm healthy generally and only aerobically unfit, but my BP and cholesterol are great and the longer I guilt myself about my weight the longer till we start trying for the baby so I'm not wasting my energy. I'm at my best when caring for others and have no doubt that not only will I stop drinking wine but will also take a walk or swim every day when pregnant for the babies sake and will probably lose weight if anything!

7:22 AM  

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