Empty. Empty. Empty.
So, the wine bottle is officially empty.
My weekend of bliss roaringly ended Tuesday morning when Cricket woke up at 5:00. Partner was already going with her day since she has to report to work at 6:30. That left me to "snuggle" with a baby who has discovered the gleeful joy of rolling all over the bed while pretending to be alseep. I'd look down at him in the hazy light of a snow covered morning and he'd be smiling, with his eyes closed. Cute, yes. Annoying also, when one considers I didn't go to sleep until 1:00 am the night before. Studying for a test. I stayed up a little later consoling myself with the thought that I'd sleep in until about 6:15. Which is wrong on so many many levels. Sleep in until 6:15? This is what my life has come to.
Alas, I was up with the babe. Eventually he had enough and fell back asleep, but in our bed, and not fully enough that I could pick him back up and place him into his own bed, the one with high sides that ensures he will not fall out. So I had no shower. I don't know about you, but a shower really does wake me up in the morning more than coffee or tea or any other caffienated elixer.
We got to school where I did my best Tenzing Norgay imitation by carrying in Cricket, my backpack complete with nursing tomes, his lunch, and the Britax carseat. Through the snow too. Went to class and got back a test in my research class with the worst grade I have gotten on a test since 1993. The day was going really well.
Then I met with my people I have to a group project with and explained why I hate lunch time meetings when yet another one was proposed. (And why do I hate these meetings? Because it's the only time I have all freaking day to sit down and not think-- until about 9:00 at night that is. And quite silly of me, I thought if I explained this slowly and surely, the others would empathize, as I expected we are wont to do as nurses. As you may have already expected from your own personal run ins with nurses, empathy is not a prerequiste. The response I got from a fellow childless student who is young young young: "We all have responsibilities." Hm.) Lunch time meeting scheduled despite my best efforts to compromise. (I have so much to say about this, but whatever, this is about the wine bottle being emptied.)
I then lost it in the stairwell of the School of Nursing, conveniently located above my child's school, so that all the teachers coming in from outside could hear me babbling away about school, stress, and kids. (Try doing 60 credits in one year-- it's not as easy as it sounds!) I don't know about you, but I like my breakdowns to be in private, like a bathroom stall, a parked car in an empty lot-- I'm just like that.
I got to peek at Cricket for two minutes. I don't let him see me on Tuesdays since he goes home with the babysitter and not a mom. This did more to further break my heart open into four seperate chambers.
Studied more for test I was woefully underprepared for. (But report 100% success on, thank God.)
Went home and emptied end of the wine bottle started on my blissful pseudo-single weekend.
All the entreaties I had to enjoy the weekend are so not lost on me now. Is it too soon to open another bottle?
My weekend of bliss roaringly ended Tuesday morning when Cricket woke up at 5:00. Partner was already going with her day since she has to report to work at 6:30. That left me to "snuggle" with a baby who has discovered the gleeful joy of rolling all over the bed while pretending to be alseep. I'd look down at him in the hazy light of a snow covered morning and he'd be smiling, with his eyes closed. Cute, yes. Annoying also, when one considers I didn't go to sleep until 1:00 am the night before. Studying for a test. I stayed up a little later consoling myself with the thought that I'd sleep in until about 6:15. Which is wrong on so many many levels. Sleep in until 6:15? This is what my life has come to.
Alas, I was up with the babe. Eventually he had enough and fell back asleep, but in our bed, and not fully enough that I could pick him back up and place him into his own bed, the one with high sides that ensures he will not fall out. So I had no shower. I don't know about you, but a shower really does wake me up in the morning more than coffee or tea or any other caffienated elixer.
We got to school where I did my best Tenzing Norgay imitation by carrying in Cricket, my backpack complete with nursing tomes, his lunch, and the Britax carseat. Through the snow too. Went to class and got back a test in my research class with the worst grade I have gotten on a test since 1993. The day was going really well.
Then I met with my people I have to a group project with and explained why I hate lunch time meetings when yet another one was proposed. (And why do I hate these meetings? Because it's the only time I have all freaking day to sit down and not think-- until about 9:00 at night that is. And quite silly of me, I thought if I explained this slowly and surely, the others would empathize, as I expected we are wont to do as nurses. As you may have already expected from your own personal run ins with nurses, empathy is not a prerequiste. The response I got from a fellow childless student who is young young young: "We all have responsibilities." Hm.) Lunch time meeting scheduled despite my best efforts to compromise. (I have so much to say about this, but whatever, this is about the wine bottle being emptied.)
I then lost it in the stairwell of the School of Nursing, conveniently located above my child's school, so that all the teachers coming in from outside could hear me babbling away about school, stress, and kids. (Try doing 60 credits in one year-- it's not as easy as it sounds!) I don't know about you, but I like my breakdowns to be in private, like a bathroom stall, a parked car in an empty lot-- I'm just like that.
I got to peek at Cricket for two minutes. I don't let him see me on Tuesdays since he goes home with the babysitter and not a mom. This did more to further break my heart open into four seperate chambers.
Studied more for test I was woefully underprepared for. (But report 100% success on, thank God.)
Went home and emptied end of the wine bottle started on my blissful pseudo-single weekend.
All the entreaties I had to enjoy the weekend are so not lost on me now. Is it too soon to open another bottle?
Labels: Guilty Parenting, The "2nd" Career
posted by Katie at 3:33 PM
6 Comments:
Yes, I was a young young young grad student and remember that "responsibilities" mainly meant getting to the gym on time.
Take care of yourself and enjoy that bottle of wine.
I'm sorry things are rough. Many times in the past year I've considered taking just one class. But I haven't done it, because I knew it would be too hard with all I've got going on at home. I don't know how you're doing what you're doing. Don't forget to pat yourself on the back from time to time.
I know you weren't asking for advice, but:
Has he cracked 30 lbs yet? If not you could just leave his Safeseat with the babysitter. That way you wouldn't need to lug the Britax in every week. That thing is a beast. It's practically a trip all by itself.
I'd actually recommend getting another seat for the sitter's car if she picks him up every week. It's way easier, plus the less often you have to install a seat, the fewer chances you have to make mistakes with the installation. You can get a Scenera Target or Kmart for around $40. We did that for my mom's car. It was so much easier.
Hope things look up soon. Soon he'll be able to climb off the bed safely, so you can just leave him there and shower. That is a good milestone!
60 credits in one year? Jeepers. So tell me: Once your brain liquifies, do you find it comes out your ears?
I found your blog just a month ago as I searched for other lesbians who were doing IVF using their partner as their egg donor. I have now read your entire blog and enjoyed it so much! You are a great writer and I've learned alot along the way.
We are just starting out on the TTC path, but now I'm inspired to keep a blog.
Here is it if you want to take a look,
http://www.pufferandthebabyfish.blogspot.com
I hope you get through school soon...I can't even imagine! You have such a full plate.
hey, just wanted to let you know that i'm blocking our old two georgia mommies website, since we no longer use it. we're now at Capricorn Baby, if you want to make a note of it.
Julianna
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