Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Weekend-- Or 20 Reasons Why I Won't Be Eating Pulled Pork for a Goodly While Now

1. Having a party for fifty when you are 10.5 weeks pregnant is not easy.

2. Serving pulled pork sounds like a good idea in theory. It’s cheap, fun to serve in the summer, and you think a relatively easy thing to do.

3. You will begin to question this decision when the butcher hands you 25 pounds of pork butt.

4. You will seriously question the decision on Thursday evening when you realize you are covered in pork marinade and need to shower before getting bed.

5. On Friday, pulled pork will again seem like a good idea when you take it out of the oven, where it has been cooking for 8 hours. You will pop small pieces into your mouth and think about how good it is, and how much better it would be with some bbq sauce and cole slaw. It will, however, slowly dawn upon you that this “pulling” process is moving very very slowly. And then with creeping apprehension, you think, “There’s twenty five pounds of this shit.”

6. You try sitting on a bar stool because it’s getting uncomfortable to stand. After the first butt, the smallest one, has been finished, you will have to call your partner and ask her to help. In the beginning you try to help her. Then you stand on the other side of the counter and watch, giving some chat to help her. The two of you muse together about people who have to do this for a living. Sooner or later will realize you can’t be in the room with the pork any longer. For the love of God. Did you really eat some of it earlier?

7. Feel sick.

8. Be sick.

9. Sit outside on the deck, trying to ignore the pork in the house.

10. Call to your partner, who is now also feeling sick after being confronted with so much pork, and tell her she can stop. Stop with the pork. You’ll just serve what’s there.

11. Now, at 10:00 at night, finally, shred the damn chicken.

12. Eat cereal for dinner because the thought of anything meat related makes the stomach heave. (To truly appreciate how revolutionary this is for me, you might really need to know that I am a food snob. Eating cereal for dinner will happen maybe twice in my life. This was the first time.)

13. On Saturday, make fruit salad, cupcakes, decorate them, do the grilled corn salad, the potato salad, the cole slaw, the caprese, beans, grill pineapple etc. Ignore the pork in the fridge.

14. Hold breath when reheating pork.

15. Decide that by the time guests arrive and start eating that perhaps you can have a pulled pork sandwich. Make it, and then proceed to eat everything on your plate but the sandwich. You cannot bring yourself to eat the sandwich.

16. Your brother will eat the sandwich for you.

17. People will compliment you on the pulled pork. “It’s delicious!” Smile and nod, try not to retch in front of them.

18. Send all the leftover pork home with your sister-in-law and her friends.

19. Realize you have not eaten any meat since Friday afternoon.

20. Realize that even blogging about the fucking pulled pork, previously one of your favorite things to eat, will make you feel sick. In fact, suddenly your relatively easy pregnancy seems horrible and the thought of any meat product makes you feel sick and curse the day you thought pulled pork would be a good idea because in reality, you love being a carnivore, so much so that you subtly convinced your Partner, who was a vegetarian at the start of your relationship, that she’d be so much happier eating meat (and she is! she is!) and you will now stress about what exactly it is you can eat while being pregnant since 90% of the fish available to you in the Great Lake State is mercury and PCB ridden and now meat seems gross too and realize, dear God, you might have to start eating things like lentils... if only, if only you hadn’t thought that serving southern bbq was a great theme for a party...


Blogger hd said...

From someone who once loved chicken and now cannot even watch a Foghorn Leghorn cartoon without feeling queasy, I totally feel your pain. I highly recommend Bolthouse Farms protein drinks. The vanilla chai spice latte is YUMMY!

11:10 AM  
Blogger Suz said...

Oh no! You weren't able to eat the butt?? George and I love pulled pork. Honestly, I couldn't have stomached either when I was pregnant. All I could even look at were eggos and lollipops.

11:44 AM  
Anonymous pixi said...

I laughed and laughed while I read this! And I'm trying to picture just how much 25 lbs of pulled pork is. Seems like a real lot.

Sorry your tum is still yucky. I sure hope you get that second trimester break. Second trimester! just a few weeks away...

12:01 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

Pixi is right...jsut a few more weeks and hopefully your tummy ick will go away.

I still can not drink a Vanilla milkshake from McDonals after throwing one up when I had morning sickness.

12:09 PM  
Blogger Calliope said...

a 25 lb pork butt??? sheesh! that is hard core.

12:29 PM  
Blogger vee said...

As a Britisher, I can honestly say I have no idea what pulled pork is, but 25lbs must have been a mountain of the stuff!!

If you ever rebuild your relationship with it, perhaps you could share the recipe with me? (unless I'm lucky enough to be pregnant this time round, in which case I suspect, like you, I may lose interest in a big way!)

1:09 PM  
Blogger Patti said...

My sister was like that with meat when she was pregnant. Even the thought of it would make her sick.

Rest assured the day after the baby was born, I think she ate half a cow.

It'll pass. Hang in there. :)

2:08 PM  
Blogger Brooke said...

You can borrow our Vegetarian Pregnancy book.

5:29 PM  
Blogger WordsRock said...

Honestly, I woulda just driven on down to our local barbeque place and loaded up on pulled pork the Professional Pork Pullers had put the effort into pulling.

I do, however, admire your desire to prepare it yourself. After reading of your experience, it is quite doubtful I'll ever try it personally.

Mmmmmm. Pulled pork. I now know what's for lunch tomorrow! :)

6:04 PM  
Blogger witchtrivets said...

Hey now, I love lentils. And tofu and tempeh (if cooked right). I am sorry you are sick, though, that sucks. But if meat continues to sicken you, I can send you some yummy veggie recipes. mwt is a hard-core meateater, so my recipes are carnivore-approved. Just let me know, I love to spread the veggie recipes around. It is part of my plan for vegetarian world domination.

7:57 AM  
Blogger Emma B. said...

I did OK with pork and beef during the first trimester, as long as I didn't actually have to be confronted with the raw stuff. Chicken, however, was another matter entirely, and even now I still eat it only reluctantly. I must've bought and thrown away 10 packages, thinking, "THIS time I will manage to cook the damn chicken", and then getting grossed out at the thought of it.

I still prefer carbs to protein, which is so strange for me because I've spent the last couple of years limiting my carb intake to varying degrees. Pasta works really well, because protein is more palatable with alfredo sauce on it. I also eat a lot of PB&Js -- the peanut butter has some protein, at least.

9:59 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

I laughed my own little pork butt off! Thanks! What a brilliant post!

1:32 PM  
Blogger Emmakirst said...

Absolutely hilarious post. Thanks for the laugh. So sorry that you are still so queasy though. Hopefully it'll lighten up soon for you.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so i'm with you on the nausea/gross factors of dealing with 25 lbs of meat. but yes: recipe please!!

1:49 PM  
Anonymous Liza said...

My meat consumption dropped roughly 90% when I was pregnant. On average, I could eat no more than 3 bites of any kind of meat per day.

That didn't stop me from gaining 50lbs, though.

Your taste for it will come back after the baby is here, probably. Eventually. :)

Good luck. I hope you feel better soon.

9:52 PM  
Anonymous marcia said...

i knew trouble was ahead when i read your first sentence--a party for FIFTY PEOPLE! jeez. next time skip the butt meat and serve them carrots.
p.s. you're a terrific writer. have you written a book yet?

1:55 PM  

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