Back To Bed

I detest bed rest. It's boring as all get out. I end up watching too much television, and that makes me depressed to boot.

I suppose I'll be your go-to person the World Cup, but my dreams of going to the Commonwealth Club Sunday to eat a full English and root for England (!!) over Ecuador have been dashed. (And okay, Go Aussies while we're at it. Partner and I have actually cried over some Socceroo goals.)

I'm bleeding alright, and the ultrasound proves it. Dr. BusyBusyBusy calls it a retro-chorionic tear. Other stuff on the web refers to it as a subchorionic tear (or hematoma or hemorrhage, but that's damn scary word.) I can't quite figure out why it happens though, and the why is always the question for me. There's a line in Dylan Thomas's A Child's Christmas in Wales that nails it. He's talking about presents and refers to "books that told us everything about wasps, except why."

Dr. BBB's explanation was that this is fairly common in patients who use donor eggs. He estimates up to 50% of donor egg patients will get this. (Donor eggs? Um, they aren't donors, they're PARTNER'S!) His further explanation was that of that 50%, 85% of cases will resolve themselves and 15% of them will result in miscarriage. There's nothing to do, he told me, other than go home, rest, and don't do much of anything until I see him again. This could resolve itself in days or months. Or never. Or whatever. I'll know, he said, if I am miscarrying because there will be "tissue" involved. Fuck. That tissue is Cricket.

And the good news is that Cricket's little heart is still going strong. And good Lord! That Cricket is a-growin'! Two more millimeters since Tuesday, which is right on target. It's a little scary to see the tear, however. The retrochorionic tear is where the chorion separates from the uterine wall. On the ultrasound, you can see the blood pulsing around in there, which leads me to think this bleeding might get much worse before it gets better. Because damnit, it's going to get better. I lost Little Rice, I'm not losing Cricket too.

I just have to continue to take it "easy" until July 2 when we see him again. I'm going to hope that I can visualize healing there so much that it actually happens. (What a hippie-dippie dork I am, but if you want to try and do this too, I won't stop you.) I don't know anything about complications further on the pregnancy, which hopefully is just going to go on and on, and this won't bother it. I don't know if the tear could get bigger. Or if the tear could just go away. (Placenta, heal thyself!) I don't know much, but in some ways, that could be better.

Wait! Did you believe that I could think for a minute that ignorance is bliss? Not on your life. If you're a bettin' person, you could put all your chips down on that at some point this evening I'll be logging on the University of Michigan medical library and doing some searches. If I'm in bed anyway, I might as well continue trying to complete my web-fellowship in reproductive endocrinology.