Saturday, October 29, 2005

Quiet

Mostly I am silent here because I am feeling pretty apprehensive. I wish I knew an answer right now.

Partner is gone for the day, and she rang me up whereupon I burst into tears. Everyday when my mom calls me, she says, "How are you feeling?" in that way that makes me feel like I should be feeling something. But I feel nothing. No nausea. No fatigue.

But wait, I didn't feel anything until today-- when I started feeling cramping in my lower abdomen. Like menstrual cramps, even in my legs a little. Hence the bitten back cry on the phone with Partner.

I pretty much don't know what to write. I'm just scared today. And alone. And I don't like it one bit.

16 Comments:

Anonymous Erica said...

First - congrats on a wonderful embryo transfer!

Second - the 2ww is killer! Trust me that no matter what you're feeling, you could be pregnant or might not be. Progesterone and estrace are evil. Evil, I tell you!

Hope you don't mind my butting in. I hope with all of my heart that you are pregnant. Everything crossed for you!

erica

6:10 PM  
Anonymous RachelH said...

Now, now. I will say this from the end of an extra-long pokey-stick due to hormones, but DO try to relax. It is too early today for you to feel any pregnancy symptoms OR pre-menstrual symptoms. Probably you are cramping a little from the catheter insertion (the cervix is mighty and not to be messed with), or the hormones. And if it's any consolation, the first symptom of pregnancy I had with my first was HORRIBLE cramping, bloating, fullness, etc. and I was never more certain that I would get my period than I was that month. Feel free to email me and tell me I have no idea what you are going through, because I don't and won't pretend to. But it is beyond your control at this point. A year from now you will look back at this and laugh. For now, just take a few deep breaths and know that half the freakin' Internet is holding a good thought for you.

7:42 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

I'll second everyone else and say with my first pregnancy I was certain I was getting my period. With the second I felt absolutely nothing. And in any case, the progesterone will mess with you.

8:44 PM  
Blogger Soul Searching said...

Waiting is such a bitch! My thoughts are with you :)

9:16 PM  
Blogger Career Guy said...

We're all with you here! Maybe Partner would spring for a wireless laptop dealie so you wouldn't be doing any more sneakifying?

9:31 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Hang in there! I know how you're feeling - I am 6 DPO and I just want to fast forward this whole thing!! Thinking positive thoughts for you and partner while you wait.

10:04 PM  
Blogger Trista said...

I am so sorry you're feeling scared and alone. This is such a huge roller coaster and I remember thinking when we were ttc that I wish someone would just give you a maintenance slip after completing the procedure (whatever procedure) that lets you know if it was successful or not. If you're pregnant or not. Because the stress and suspense just eats you alive.

Others have said it, and I'll just second it, the cramping could be anything and it could be nothing, but it's not a good indicator of pregnancy. At this point, you wouldn't really know what would be. Kristin was sure she was experiencing early pregnancy signs pre-pregnancy test each of the months she WASN'T pregnant. The month she was, she felt nothing, and thought for sure she wasn't, except for a little, pesky little thought that maybe because this month was different in the lack of early pregnancy symptoms that maybe this time she was.

I don't know what the point of this comment is, except to say that I am sending you lots of white light and hope both for a success and for a was to ease the stress and fear.

10:04 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

It's utterly excruciating and will TOTALLY play with your head. Hang in there the best you can and know we are ALL pulling for you.

Cecily had some good links (in the comments) for ways to spend time during the 2WW. I particularly like thingsonmycat.com

10:05 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

This 2 ww will be awful - I agree that's it's far too early to start feeling any kind of symptoms as all, although with cramping, it is possible that they may be implantation cramping. Some people get spotting with implantation. The cramps could be from the catheter being inserted into your cervix. I had some cramping with each pregnancy - with the first, I thought I would get my period any minute (but didn't). Symptoms are such a general guideline because everyone experiences something different, indeed each pregnancy is different. Hang in there! I'm really hoping this works for you and Partner. Be well!

6:09 PM  
Blogger Nico said...

Each cycle I tell myself that I'm NOT going to analyze how I'm feeling with regards to being pregnant. But I do it anyway. I agree with the others - nothing you feel or don't feel can be attributed to being pregnant or not this early. But I SO hope that you are!!!

9:20 PM  
Anonymous pixi said...

Waiting and not knowing is sooo hard. And trying to read the signs can drive you crazy. And I swear they work to deceive. I hope in short time your fears are allayed and you have some big news to report! Keeping fingers crossed.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Pay no attention to the signs behind the curtain! :) My boss told me she felt crampy and kept expecting her period right before it DIDN'T come. T has felt pregnant when she actually WASN'T, so don't focus too much on those signs. We are wishing you the best, and hoping SO much that you are pregnant. You guys deserve it.

10:08 AM  
Blogger Robyn said...

what they have all said. it's soooo tough to not micromanage every symptom, even when your mind KNOWS better. you will. trust me. instead...get busy. do something, anything...except sitting around wondering. hormones suck...and they make us all nuts. and if you must worry and wonder....just know...that we are worrying and wondering with you and for you as well.

1:26 PM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

Oh, Darlin'... the not knowing is the WORST...I swear.

Sending you loving thoughts from Canada!

7:43 PM  
Blogger ~cj~ said...

I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Erick and I are wishing you the best. :) You have a great support system - family, friends, and most of all partner. I am positive you will make it through anything this throws at you.

I felt nothing the first two months of pregnancy and then was SHOCKED to find out I was pregnant.... it wasn't 6 hours later that the nausea set in. :) Its not a concrete science.

take care of yourself.
CJ

3:47 PM  
Blogger frog said...

Checking in to say that I'm thinking about you.

8:11 AM  

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