Friday, October 14, 2005

Good News, Bad News

Good news first: my uterine lining is 10mm! This was great news and the doctor weilding the dildo-cam this morning was full of raves. I could carry a baby in there. Bad news next: my gut feeling is the cycle will be cancelled. The doctor we saw today says he doesn't think we should go ahead with less than five eggs, and since they're only charting five follicles, he doesn't think it looks good. We'll know more tomorrow. Indeed, Lynette was correct-- once we've started on a regimen, it does no good to give more of any one medicine. We're going to stay the course for a few more days and see if they grow any more, although he said if the follicles haven't gotten to at least 12-14mm by tomorrow, we'd have to talk again. (I did end up liking Dr. Associate today since he said Partner was a young woman, and most people we talk to just go on and on about how old she is-- please-- she's only 36!)

I'm not at all positive here. As I said in the comments on the last post, giving shots is getting harder and harder. Why keep doing it if it's not working? I just see the bruises all over Partner's behind and thighs and arms (from the blood draws) and it seems like we're just hurting ourselves to hurt ourselves.

I know I shouldn't give up hope. I read all the lovely blogs and I have to say, I feel armed with so much knowledge from you guys. And so much support. But at the same time, I am feeling insanely jealous of the women who started cycling around the same time as us but it seems to be working for them. Or at least they got some eggs. Or frozen embryos. We're left with nothing but a huge credit card bill and few bruises. Discussions about starting again. Talk about why Partner doesn't seem to be responding.

However, whereas yesterday I could see no possible reason for this, I am much more resigned now. We just joined the YMCA, and if it doesn't go this time, it's just more time for me to try and get into more shape. Drop a few more pounds. That's got to be good. And Partner thinks the baby out there that's meant to be ours just doesn't want to be born in July. The baby wants to be a Libra, like me!

So that's an update on where I am today: jealous and resigned. Not quite as sad as yesterday. Waiting until tomorrow's ultrasound until I give everything up. For now.

8 Comments:

Blogger amyesq said...

Thinking of you two. Keeping the fingers crossed. Let us know as soon as you can.

2:04 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Glad you are feeling a bit more positive (albeit grudgingly). We're still rooting for those follicles and a last minute growth spurt, but if it doesn't happen this month, it's sure to be soon. i guess we all just figure things out as we go along...
*wishing you the best of luck*

2:19 PM  
Blogger eryn said...

sounds rough. i do hope the follicles sprout. i'll send positive thoughts.

4:56 PM  
Anonymous Manuela said...

Oh, hon... I'm so sorry you're both in this limbo place right now... I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and will be rooting for those damn follicles!

8:06 PM  
Blogger ~cj~ said...

A Libra is a good thing. *LOL* Being huge and pregnant in the summer really is not all its cracked up to be. :) Your doing a great job, both of you, putting up with dildo cam's and shots are hard work. Really a lucky child to have moms that want them so badly. Remember that - what you do today both medically and emotionally sets the foundation for their start. Just remember Katie with out hope we have nothing. Sometimes things take more than one try - God knows I don't do much right on the firs try!! I have faith things will work for you - nothing is impossible these days.
~cj~

10:08 PM  
Blogger Firefly said...

Ahhh the dildo cam, I myself have had the dildo scan and I remember what a surreal feeling it was to hear the nurse say "Brace yourself I am now going to insert the probe." I do believe I started to laugh, which seemed to make HER uncomfortable. I am thinking of you both, and feeling silly about feeling sorry for myself lately.

10:19 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Hang in there! We are all thinking of you.

Some day, you'll be looking into your baby's eyes and all of this waiting and frustration will be a faded memory.

Grow, follies, grow!!!

10:27 PM  
Blogger Suz said...

They also often retrieve more follicles than they see on ultrasound as some can "hide" behind the others. Sending positive thoughts and thinking of you.

10:59 AM  

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