Thursday, October 13, 2005

Fun with Alliteration

Follicles=Fickle, forlorn, fabled, factious, fading, fair, fallow, fathead, faulty, feeble, flailing, floundering-- You get the idea.

NB: They are not fabulous, fancy, fantastic, fat and full, fascinating, favorable, fierce, florid, flourishing-- You get the idea.

Of course, there's always my favorite: fucking follicles. It says so much more than any of the above. Plus the word "fuck" has a great fricative and when one is upset, it's such an oh-so-satisfying word to say.

Seven still, but no one seemed to think there'd be anymore. The biggest is still 10mm. Those little babies got to grow about now, and stop being so fucking lazy. They haven't gotten any bigger. We've got to get to 18 mm to 20 mm to do the retrieval.

Partner's contention is thus: Like dogs, eggs do not mature at the same rate as humans. If dogs are about seven to one for human years, her argument is that eggs are probably about two to one. This would make her eggs 72 years old. Hence: her eggs are tired. Bone tired. And we're just asking them to do too much right at the time when the girls are thinking about packing up and moving south to their beach house, hopefully on Seabrook Island. And now not only are they tired, but pissed off we're interrupting their retirement plans.

Hey, it's a theory. And it's a better theory than we've heard in the RE office.

The nurse said her estrogen levels were going up-- but she would only say it corresponds to the number of follicles. This wasn't much of an answer when we asked "Should it be higher?" It's circumlocution, in my opinion.

She said she'd call and tell us if we should push more Repronex tonight, since that's what will make the lazy girls go-go-go. No one called. I feel like they should have called. I first asked her to call us with the blood test results no matter what. Their usual policy is to only call if something isn't looking right, but she said she'd call. Then I recanted my request. "It's okay. Stick the usual policy," I said to her, "I worry too much. I can deal with it." Now I wonder why I did that. I want to know the results and why we aren't pushing more Repronex since the fucking follicles haven't grown at all since Thursday.

Clearly we need more drugs!

The problem here is that all day I have desperately wanted to cry. Sob. I just have this feeling they are going to cancel the cycle-- that it's not going to work. But I don't want to have this breakdown in front of Partner, but at the same time she's the only one I really want to talk to about all of this too. (Or Lynne, but it's Yom Kippur and I can't call her. Arg. Is the sun down yet??) But mostly it's Partner I want to cry to. (Okay, or my mother, but that is the subject of the next post.)

Earlier this week after the first ultrasound, the nurse intimated that we might not be administering the shots correctly, and that's why there were not more/bigger follicles. This, of course, plagued my Catholic guilt ridden head. That meant it was my fault! My fault! I am the shot administrator!

Today, she said based on the blood draws, we are doing the shots right. It's not my fault! It's not my fault! But then Partner, not even Catholic, took the guilt and I didn't even see her do it. We were walking to the car and she said, "My body is failing us again."

Jesus Christ.

No, it's not. And I really believe that. Right now I think the RE office is failing us and the fact that our doctor is still out of the country and no one is reviewing our chart with the nurse doesn't help either. Right now what is failing us is not enough Repronex. Not her body. But clearly she's going to carry that guilt, no matter how much we talk about the fact none of this is her fault. So, how can I have the cry I want to have with her? I know she'd start to carry those tears too, and I don't want that. It's hard to do this cycle and not feel guilty when something doesn't work. I have already thought about how horrible I'd feel if I did get pregnant and miscarried. It's hard enough, but then to think I was carrying Partner's eggs and her hope of having a child biologically related to her -- and how she feels about that-- very strongly-- it's a lot to handle. And I would blame myself. And as legitimate as her tears would be, they would be so so hard. Just as I think my tears right now would be.

I was driving home from the acupuncturist and all I saw were babies. Fall leaves and babies. What, I thought to myself, have I wanted more than this in my life? I couldn't think of anything. Nothing. And let me assure you, I have done my fair share of wanting things quite badly. (I have a running list right now as we speak, but baby trumps.)

And don't you just know that I've done that "Everything has a reason" thing in my head? It rattles around: There's a reason why this might not work! What am I supposed to be learning from this? But then as soon as I think that, I think what a fucking load of BS. What possible reason? Sometimes there's no logic. (Hey, maybe that's the lesson I am supposed to be learning?)

I just can't believe that at one time I thought, "Oh, we'll just do IVF and have a baby! Easy!"

Fucking follicles.

7 Comments:

Blogger Jen said...

Oh, sweeties. All my love and hugs and strength to you both.

Now GROW, follicles, GROW!

8:51 PM  
Blogger amyesq said...

Fuck is right. I am sorry this cycle has been crappy for you two. My fingers are crossed for you.

9:14 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

Damn I'm sorry. Dave and I go round and around with the guilt thing. I feel bad because, well, because it IS my fault. There is nothing wrong with him. And he says it's not my fault and we're in this together. I have all bits crosses that those follicles will straighten up and fly right.

10:00 PM  
Blogger Nico said...

I totally agree that you need more Repronex. It seems to be quite a juggle to get the right amount.

I have never responded to less than 1.5 vials, and one cycle it took bumping up to 2 - but they did come around eventually.

And Partner's will too. I'm confident. But you should definitely ask about increasing the dosage.

11:18 PM  
Anonymous Lynnette said...

I hesitate to even write this, because I myself, hate assvice. But IMHO, if the nurse says the E2 level corresponds with the number of follicles, she's doing ok. At this point, you're not going to get any "extra" follicles by adding more Repronex. It only makes a difference in the first few days of stimming. There is a theory that too much LH (Pergonal, Repronex) affects the quality of the eggs, and if you bump up the stims, (Gonal-F or Repronex) you're just going to make the lead follicle get big enough for trigger and wind up with a bunch of immature eggs. Its happened to me, I know. Everyone I know who has had success, has gone the low and slow route with the stims, or started out with a higher dose in the beginning and "coasted," if their E2 was rising too quickly. Take this with a grain of salt, I just don't want you to worry too much. Was Partner's E2 over 350? I think that would be about right, but I can't remember what day of stims she's on. GL!

10:51 AM  
Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

Thanks for all the good wishes-- I think we're okay and last night we both cried a little while doing the shot. Why keep going if it ain't working? Also, Lynette, it wasn't assvice at all! We *finally* saw a doctor this morning and he said just the same thing you did. He also said we'd cancel if there were less than five follicles, and we'd consider our options tomorrow if the follicles haven't grown to at least 14mm by tomorrow. We'll see. As the Dr.Associate said, this is the first time Partner has sniffed the meds, so perhaps we just need to try again. We'll see.

11:49 AM  
Blogger ~cj~ said...

Hi Katie, I am sorry to hear that things are not going as well as you had hoped. Things take time - of course you remind yourself of that all the time and it doesn't really ease anything does it? Erick and I tried for 3 years before we decided it wasn't meant to be. A few weeks later we were pregnant with Thea - right about the time we gave up. We got pregnant with Grace when actively trying not to as well... It really is a roller coaster ride. I have faith that things will work out - one way or another for you and your partner. Such a lucky baby to have mom's that want them so badly.

12:22 PM  

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