Tuesday, March 17, 2009

In the Wind

In my front garden, there are two copper bells hanging from a wide branch of the tree. They are connected by a semi lunar metal alloy. When the wind blows, one bell, the one that hangs a little higher than the other, rings often. Its clapper must just catch the breeze that much easier than the other. Sometimes I love hearing the bell, but other times I long to hear the deeper bell, the one that doesn’t sound off as often. The bells were given to Partner and me on the occasion of our commitment ceremony. To say the bells might be representations of us, well, it’s poetic license, but not a far leap. I’m the loud bell, often having my clapper rattled. Partner is the low sounding bell, not often pushed about the wind. Both bells have value.

It’s not a secret if you are reading this blog that we are having some problems. Over the years we polarized our personalities, which is easy to do but not fair to either partner. I’m sorta sick of being the thunder in our relationship all the time, just as Partner has gotten slightly sick of standing behind me. I never imagined having a relationship where I was the BIG personality all the time. I’m attracted to other big personalities, so I thought my life would be a joint front to the world. Suddenly I’m the ringing bell.

Yesterday Partner was accepted to a brief program where she will participate in a nursing outreach in Liberia. I’m so pleased for her, but more than a little jealous she is doing something I have always wanted to do. I sent her a text today to tell her how happy I was for her, but acknowledging my jealousy as well. She noted that she is changing to be more of a front man and wasn’t sure how that was going to affect our relationship. And I’m not sure I know the answer to that question, to tell the truth.

Answers used to come to me fast, and I would just know. Now I feel answers sneaking up on me, slowly rising as if I was walking into a shallow lake, slowly, slowly getting deeper and realizing things just before my hair gets wet. So I have no answers today. Just that it’s beautiful, it’s St Patrick’s day, and there’s a warm wind. And I sorta wish that damn bell would stop ringing for a few minutes.


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