Tuesday, February 10, 2009


I would lie down, close my eyes. The smell is like church on Good Friday. I would feel the warmth overcome me. It would be warm, the sun would be on my feet, my face in the shade. Almost humid out, the trees rustling over my head. If I were to take a deep breath in, it would reach the bottom of my lungs. Any tears I had, and I would have them, would not burn my face like now. I would know the answers to questions. I would just know them, not have to do anything about them. My back wouldn't hurt. The jaw I tense would go slack. I would feel beautiful. I would feel good. I would not be self conscious about anything, which also might make me cry more. No one would be angry at me or disappointed. Someone would hold my head, gentle, cradling. When I felt the balm on my skin, I would know a new kind of light. I would renew. I would know.

I would know.


Anonymous hd said...

It has been a while since I visited your blog, but for some unknown reason, during one of my middle-of-the-night sleepless hours last night, a product of my own persistent depression, I thought about you. I don't know you, have no idea what you even look like; we corresponded a few times back when we were new mothers with children close in age, and for some reason stopped corresponding. But you crossed my mind, and when I came here I could so relate to the painfully beautiful accounts of your depression. I just wanted you to know.

9:31 AM  

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