Sitting in the Road

I'm sitting down to write. I can't decide if I need to write about myself or the girl. The girl is easier to write about in some ways; if I say it's me, then it's hard to know what direction to go into. If I write about this girl, I can lead her. If I write as "I", it's almost as if I sit down in the middle of the road, stubborn like a child, my legs crossed and my arms folded over my chest.

Once at a rugby tournament on an island with a winery, my friend Gabby sat down in the middle of the road. In fact, she went entirely down in the road, in a puddle, her arms akimbo and face looking up into the night sky. The asphalt gravelly under her blonde hair, she laughed. So did I. Almost the whole island was asleep, including most of the other ruggers. We were the last drunken stragglers out; we visited one more bar, and I can remember laughing the entire way back to our campsite. Laughing out loud. Walking like Laverne and Shirley. Trying to skip like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. I fell into my tent and couldn't figure out how to get my flip-flops off my feet. I woke up the next morning, called out, "Who has my credit card?" since I had handed it off to Christie the night before ("Get another round in!" I said with cavalier, like a rugby millionaire in the bar). Around me people either groaned or laughed. We sat in the morning, grass on the back of legs, inspecting our bruises from playing a hard game and drinking even harder. The sun from the lake glinted in my eyes. I was happy hearing the sounds of women around me.

Now I am so wrapped in something inside me, some indecision, some something, that the woman in that story doesn't even seem like me. But I know that Katie is more of who I am than this one-- the one that feels slightly broken, scared, nervous, anxious. My mom sent me a text message this week that said, "You have the power 2 light a room." Once upon a time, I think I did. I'd like to try and get back there. I know there are those of you out there reading this blog and worrying about me. I am depressed, but the days are eventually going to get longer. I'm eventually going to be able to set down the fear. I'm going to see the lights on the hill.

Until then the girl might be back a little....