Friday, February 13, 2009

Another Sunless Day in Michigan

Back the first person, with no beautiful images attached:

There are any number of things dragging my mood down. For a few minutes, I catch a glimpse of the aul' Katie: I tell a story to a friend and she laughs and laughs (and God, I love to make people laugh), I admire the beauty of the spare branches of the tree in my front yard glistening even in the grey Michigan day, I lose myself in the warm tones of my friends' conversation. Just as quickly as I am aware of those moments, they are gone. I was at a Red Wings game last night in fantastic seats (thanks, Lynne!) with good friends, one of whom I hadn't seen in awhile. She came and sat next to me. "What's new?" she smiled. I could only stare straight at the ice and mutter about the same-old-same-old. Luckily this friend is adapt at conversation and drew me out. We ended up having a nice talk about the random.

I did find myself looking at people during this game almost more than the game. When there is a break, the cameras pan the fans, look for someone interesting. Happy. Beautiful. I knew it was never going to be me. Once upon a time, it might have been-- I would have been mugging for the camera, dancing crazy, yodeling. In fact, it did once-- even internationally-- I was at a rugby match at Lansdowne in Dublin, the cameras came on and I was there. Friends of mine watching this match back home at the pub in Michigan saw me on the television. Last night that particular girl was willing the camera away from her. I looked at one guy dancing to the "Lion Sleeps Tonight" and was thrilled with his wild abandon. I watched couples kissing each other when the camera came to rest on them. Children raised their arms into the air and the camera followed their gleeful dances. Who were all these happy people, families, couples? Were they really that happy or were they faking it? Maybe some of them were, but I know that the girl that was on the camera during that rugby match was not faking it. She was giddy with joy. She was excited to be alive and cold and ready to go. All that after flying all day to get to the match that night. Happy and jet lagged!

I'm not at a place so dark that I can't see ever being happy again. I'm quite sure I'll be happy again. Honestly, I just have too much spirit to be unhappy forever. But I'm worried about always being several things:
  • Tired-- The new job is midnights. 7p to 7:30a. I start right when the weather starts to break. So all summer, summer that I live for, I will be working at night and sleeping all day. I don't know how I will do my life with this schedule and not manage to always always always be tired.
  • Lonely-- If things in my personal life don't work out, I might be happy again, but will I always be lonely?
  • Poor-- Uhg. Money post next. Enough said.

I think that those three things together might form the triumvirate of depression. I imagine I'll be hanging around The Blues for a bit longer. If you don't get tired of hearing fuck-I-am-depressed all the time, stick around because I think when I get done with all this crap, I'm going to be back, bigger and better than ever. And that my compadres, that is glimpse of the aul' Katie right there.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The sun is coming out today. Some day's you will see it, others you will have to look for it. Find it in your boy's face, people you pass. You may have to look for it, it will be there. You find what you look for, it may take a while but you will find it. Working nights is hard. Work your days in a row when you can. You will be tired, especially the first night back to work, and the first day after your stretch. You will be OK. Sit in the sun as much as you can. Be outside when you are awake. It helps. You will not always be lonely. You have great friends who will always be there for you. You have your boy. The loneliness will fade. You will seek out people when you need to, but you will be content with yourself too. It takes time, it will happen for you. You want it to, it will.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

Thanks... I went out right after I saw this and indeed the sun was out.

3:16 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Apparently I picked a bad time to get two months behind on blogreading. I will be thinking of you and hoping things get better.

10:31 AM  
Blogger agoodlistener said...

Yee-ha (or words to that effect). Now you're talkin'.

9:26 PM  

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