Monday, March 14, 2005

I Want Some Stuff Back

Like my house key, for example. Some books I loaned. My very very favorite DVDs of Pride and Prejudice. I want these things back. Now.

This is petulant me. Whining me. Bitter, sour, me. Me that should get over it. Make a new house key. Buy the discs again. Toss the books as a loss. Right? Of course, right. But I can't do it. Right now I am composing the email/letter in my head: Give me back my shit. It's rude to keep it. It's mine and you know it. Do I have your stuff? If I do, I'll give it back. Maybe you forgot the DVDs were mine because you had them for so long? I'll allow for that possibility. But now, give them back. I want them.

(Drag the word want out for full effect.)

At the end of the day, none of the things matter really. This is all in relation to a friendship that I thought I had for years. It was a close friendship, but not without it's difficulty. Often my good fortune was regarded with much jealousy. That was hard-- It was overt. And often very mean things were said. Partner always wondered why I took it-- I am not someone who takes it. I also think there was a certain amount of Schadenfreude when I was not so lucky. These are all hard emotions to reconcile coming from someone who is supposed to be one of your greatest friends. Right?

But at the same time, we'd have fabulous talks. Really good conversations. And shared a lot of honesty with each other. Although as time has passed, I hazard that there was quite a bit hidden from me actually. Whatever difficulties, I counted this person among my bosom friends. We talked almost every day. Until the summer. And then lots of things happened-- Partner and I were moving, and trying to sell our house, and get this house we are in finished. Partner is a contractor, so it wasn't a matter of riding the contractor to get finished, it was all up to us! Serious budget concerns. Wedding in August. We moved in here in July. WannaBeMom is a freak and had to host a rehearsal dinner at her new house the night before wedding. She couldn't go out to a nice restaurant like normal people-oh no--- but okay, off track here-- Get the idea that the summer was nutso!? Some bad feelings might have started when I didn't ask said friend to be "best woman" for wedding. We didn't have "bridesmaids"-- just close friends we asked to be in ceremony by doing readings or blessings. But we both chose our closest friends to stand up with us-- and I didn't ask this person. She skipped my hen night. I was hurt. Blah blah-- long litany of failed emotions-- and come to Christmas, about two days before it actually, friend tells me she is "drifting" and that just happens sometimes and, oh well... tells me I have been a good friend and it's really just her. ARRRRRGGGG-- totally helpless me! I say "don't drift-- get out a paddle, girl! We are friends!" Never hear from her again. Arrrrrggh! Like worst dating nightmares, or like I am in middle school again. Gack. Gag. Hate it! Cry. Moan. Slowly get over it and break out of wallowing self misery and realize I have some fucking awesome friends, and this probably was a good thing in the long run.

It's that disconnect between intellectual/rational knowledge and emotional knowledge. Sucks, doesn't it?

Hm. Now give me back my shit!!


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