Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Trying (to not think) Again

The kid is five months officially now.

And officially I'm ready to try again.

Actually I've been ready to try again since he was officially four months.

If we were a heterosexual couple, I would have said to Partner, "Let's live on the edge-- no protection tonight!" Unfortunately, as we all know, it doesn't quite work that way over here chez lesbian. When we are ready to get another baby, we'll ring up Dr. BusyBusyBusy, get our OPKs, start the peeing on a stick cycle, and ready ourselves for repeated IUIs and more two week waits. And even that is presumptuous. Remember? That's how we thought it would happen for Partner.

A lot can happen between now and when we'll actually start trying again. We believed we'd get Partner knocked up relatively easy and fast and then that all came tumbling down with a finality that was bleak and dark, a feeling it's hard to remember for all its real blackness now that we have Cricket. I can remember how awful it was, and certainly Partner will carry that with her for her whole life, but while Cricket hasn't erased the loss, he's certainly mitigated it. Like Partner, I would imagine that Dr. BusyBusyBusy will want to do an hsg on me too. I have been pregnant, true, but from a little embryo tucked up inside me, not because of any natural process on my part.

Assuming (dangerous!) that I'm clear, so to speak, we'll probably do two IUIs per cycle. And I want to try and be honest with myself about it. Last time we were in the game, we both just thought that IVF cycle one would work. Bang. Done. And baby comes home. We learned the hard way about that. So when we start doing IUI, I want to try and think it might take four to six times for it to work. You know, I want to be honest with myself. I'm not so good at that. In my heart I have this little hope that the first IUI will work and all heartbreak will be avoided. I'll only have one wrenching two week wait. The baby will stay in my until I'm full term.

We've decided we won't talk seriously about having another until Cricket is one year old. I'll be four months into my twelve month program. I'm not entirely sure I want to be pregnant during an intensive one year nursing program, and additionally, since my midwife said I have an increased chance of the next baby coming early, I really want to be sure I don't jeopardize finishing the program either. If I decide I can be pregnant during the program, that means not trying until probably February or later. And then of course, should I time it so the baby only comes after I've been working for awhile? Or have the baby, take a few months, and then look for a job? And look! How quickly I assume in this calculus that I will get pregnant on the first try! Not bloody likely, girl.

We've decided that we'll do IVF again for me if the IUI doesn't work, but I'm trying to be this mix of hopeful with a dose of reality that doesn't fall into the bleakest of situations. And I'm trying to remember we aren't talking about this again, yet. But here I am talking. I think I'll go watch the Cricket sleep for the last minutes of his nap and enjoy what I've got. A good life policy in general, don't you think?

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Blogger Keri said...

Found your blog through fellow bloggers. Sounds like you have a lot on your mind.

Just take deep breaths and dream easy like Sunday morning! That's my motto!

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

I'm impressed you're ready already! I can only entertain the idea in fleeting moments. Good luck with whatever timing you decide on.

9:54 PM  
Blogger Nico said...

1) I can't believe cricket is five months already!!!

2) I so know what you mean about trying again - all of it! I've been ready for a while too, but for various reasons want to wait until the end of the year to start trying. And I imagine sometimes how it's all going to be so easy next time, and we'll get pregnant on the first cycle. It doesn't hurt to dream, right?

10:48 PM  
Blogger Melody said...

I'm surprised and impressed, too. I've been wondering lately if, after IVF-- we go in late July-- I'll ever want to do this again.

I've been reading you for a while, but I don't think I've ever commented. I think we might be in the same city. We're Midwest, too. Would love to meet some time. E-mail me if you're interested.

11:59 AM  
Anonymous e. said...

i know what you mean about wanting to try again and have them close. i am only 6 weeks pg and am already thinking about how soon after this baby comes will i start trying again (i'm thinking soon after). but today the morning sickness and fatigue cloud my thoughts and i think, no way, my partner should try for the next one.

good luck what ever you decide!

2:21 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Likewise at the 5 month mark, and I'm not ready to try NOW, but I am already planning ahead in my mind. You just look at that little person and think, "There's no WAY I'm not doing this again."

3:50 PM  

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