Monday, June 06, 2005

Advance Worrying Is a Pointless Activity...

... and one I happen to excel at doing.

Here's the thing: If I get pregnant and carry a baby full term, my breasts are going to be huge.

I mean, like grotesque.

Now you have the thing, so here's the rub: This weekend I was asked to be matron (matron? how fucking old does that make me seem?) of honor for my brother's fiancé. (And even those this post is in the bitchy tone, I am actually really really excited about this! And honored.) The preferred month for their wedding? September 06. If I get knocked up on first go (highly unlikely), and if this happens in July, this puts estimated birth month at April. And of course, each month the sperm misses the target, puts that month back yet again.

First of all, HOW am I EVER going to be FIT for a dress?

And an even greater concern-- If their wedding is in August or September, I will, of course, still be nursing. So I'll have totally grotesque ba-zooms (even my mother agreed with this description of what my breasts will look like), and potential leakage.

I'm sure I'll be the picture of elegance.

Matronly elegance.



Blogger amyesq said...

Bazooms, eh? Pretty frickin funny! (not to you). The last wedding I went to, two of the bridemaids were in their ninth month of pregnancy and they looked oh-so-unfortunate. They had to have their dresses custom made. You may have to do the same thing. Unless you find a clothing store named "Bazooms Are Us."

9:22 PM  
Blogger frog said...

On the upside, think of the blog fodder!


11:28 PM  
Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

So Amy and I are going into business... Venture capital, anyone? And then, per frog, ('ello frog!), we'll run a blog about the business, but eventually our highly successful chain will be bought out (like Rosie), but we'll still blog about, and eventually be fired from our jobs (like Dooce!). Ah. Life is good.

10:01 AM  
Anonymous Robyn said...

first off....matron of honor! how cool...esp cuz the "matron" title respects your married status. very cool.

secondly...Cindy was a DD prior to pregnancy. went up to 40I (the letter after H) during pregnancy...and pretty much has stayed there. it IS a scary place to be.

there's always reduction surgery when you wean. doesn't really solve the matron-of-honor dress problem though.

1:48 PM  
Blogger Soul Searching said...

but you'll be a mom!! Big boobies and all, and it will all be worth it :) Hopefully she'll pick something that will be at least semi-flattering!

8:57 PM  
Blogger Mrs. K said...

You are one funny lady!
You don't have to worry anymore about the leaking in the dress thing...they have products for that! (breast pads)

9:12 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

I really don't mean to give ass-vice but the temptation is just too strong...Let me just say I missed out on a lot of great opportunities because I thought I might be pregnant when whatever occured. It was a real waste. 5 years of missed fun and I am still not pregnant and didn't get to do a lot of things.

On a better note congrats on being in the wedding. YEA!

2:25 PM  
Blogger Career Guy said...

Um, I can't relate to any of this, but good for you to be in the wedding, and just think of all the attention you'll get--maybe even more than the bride.

12:23 PM  
Blogger chris said...

I'm commenting on this late so you've probably already made up your mind (just read your archives) but I would just be in the wedding. I'm pretty busty too and I didn't get that big--I think you notice it a lot less if you're already big.

So sorry about Partner's news. I could have cried for you two.

9:05 PM  

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